Irish Football
Round-Up
by Seamus Ignoramus
The latest application to be freed from a contract at Shelbourne FC has
surprised even the most cynical of observers.
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| A cup, yesterday... |
The
Eircom League trophy, returned to Tolka Park by Owen Heary upon his
departure, has itself lodged an application to be freed from the
clutches of the cash-strapped outfit.
"We all thought Glen Crowe would be the first inanimate object to leave
Shelbourne," commented a source close to the club. Ironically Crowe is
nicknamed "the FAI cup" by team-mates, due to his rotund physique and
his trademark hands-on-hips pose during games. "He can do a bloody good
teapot and all," added our source.
A number of clubs are keenly watching events, and are expected to bid
for the trophy should it succeed in becoming a free agent - notably the
obscenely rich Bohemian FC and also Drogheda United. "We've been trying
to buy this thing for a couple of years now," said an unnamed Drogheda
official. "But for f***s sake, giving a numbskull like Paul Doolin money
to buy players is like giving Pat Fenlon money to buy adult magazines.
Pointless! How would he reach the top shelf?"
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| Noel Mooney before his hair transplant |
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| Noel Mooney after his hair transplant |
Former Shamrock Rovers goalkeeper Noel Mooney is excited about his
appointment
as hair advisor to the FAI. "My biggest challenge will obviously be
solving the enigma that is Delaney's floppy fringe," enthused Mooney,
"but I'm also looking forward to spreading the joy of hair in general
around the league. My motto is: 'Take from the hairy and give to the
hairless'."
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| Connor looks to the heavens |
New Bohemian FC boss Sean Connor has spoken of "the miracle" of his appointment at Dalymount Park.
Pressed by our intrepid reporter regarding his statement that he left Sligo Rovers before speaking to Bohemians, Connor cited "divine intervention" as the explanation. "I was woken from my sleep one night," explained Connor, "when an angel appeared at the bottom of my bed and told me to leave Sligo and begin my journey to the promised land. I didn't know what this meant but I decided to obey the angel and left Sligo. When I was contacted afterwards by Bohemians my destiny became clear."
Connor added that he was
also grateful to the angel for advising him that Sligo would probably
have to be paid compensation if he said that he had spoken to Bohemians
prior to leaving his former club.
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| A confused Shamrocks fan |
Fanatical Galway United fans have stormed Merrion Square and carried out a shock "copycat" siege on FAI headquarters, similar to the previous demonstration by Dundalk fan "Maxi" McAllister.
However, this time the supporters were bizarrely seeking relegation for their club rather than promotion. The sudden realisation that newly-promoted Galway would be in the same division as Shamrock Rovers for the second year in succession caused upset, dismay and depression among the Galway faithful. "Over my dead body will those knuckle-dragging degenerates stain our beautiful city with their presence again this year," roared one supporter during the dramatic siege. "You really start to wonder about the evolution of our species after seeing them Shamrocks fans," added another Galway supporter after the drama had passed. "Answer me one question: Have you ever seen Charles Darwin at a Shamrocks game? No? Well that's not a coincidence."