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December 2006
And so the worst season ever (fact: Forbes magazine) comes to a grinding
halt. Delivering his final prediction of the year, Mad Tom retires
gracefully into the shadows until next year.
December: “Christmas time, Shelbourne still whine…”
• Sean Connor sends Felim O’Reilly to Musgraves to get a new white board
and pointy stick as Gareth Farrelly’s tactics board had doodles and
pictures of black jerseys on it.
• Stuey Byrne confronts Pat Kenny on the Late Late Show.
• Ollie Byrne confronts Stuey Byrne.
• Stuey Byrne confronts Stephen Kenny, who has since gotten lost in
Scotland.
• Billy Connolly joins the huge task force assembled to find Stephen
Kenny who has since gotten lost in Scotland.
• Wearing the latest gear, gold chains and lighting cigarettes with
rolled up fifty notes, the Bohs squad arrive late for their first formal
introduction to Sean Connor. Connor isn’t impressed.
• Eighteen swift round-house kicks to the bollix later, each squad
member crawls out into Dalymount Lane promising to do much better. They
are dragged back in and given an absolute ear-bashing before receiving
another swift round-house kick to the bollix.
• Thomas Heary wakes from his Gala-induced stupor and finds he signed
himself up for the Junior Campers.
• Ollie Byrne threatens to take the Inland Revenue to the Supreme Court,
in the interests of fair play, for daring to present Shelbourne with a
third winding up order.
• Pat Fenlon, still undecided on his future, thinks seriously about
opening up a chain of stores with Roddy Collins specialising in men’s
shirt’s that don’t rip.
• Alan Kelly, atop an open-top bus, is paraded through the streets of
Phibsborough with his 'Referee of the Year' award.
• Six different prototypes for the new jersey are unveiled. Dessie
Byrne, who is unbelievably still at the club, prefers the chain-mail
version. Kevin Hunt takes a liking to the velvet, skin-cooling edition.
• The Dalymount Cat holds long talks with Sean Connor about his future.
• Needing money desperately, the soon-to-be-decimated Shelbourne squad
gather together to sing Christmas carol’s out side Tolka Park. However
no-one has told Ollie and he threatens to take the 20-odd Santy’s to
court.
• Stephen Kenny’s face is put on the side of a milk carton.
• Desperate to break their 45-year-long FAI Cup famine, St Pat’s take on
the dancing priest, Neil Horan, to dance his way around the pitch as
they take the field against Derry. Horan confuses the issue more and he
is clobbered by Eamon Collins, who has been getting rather portly of
late and has begun to grow a huge white beard. Sensing a fight, John
O’Donnell dives in and the final descends into a farce. Order is
restored and as the game ticks away, Stephen Kenny appears from the
tunnel and volley’s home the deciding goal for Derry. Interviewed
afterwards, he says it is a “fantabulous” time. He then fucks back off
to Scotland.
• Stephen O’Brien becomes great chums with Pat Fenlon as both are hired
to play elves at Santa’s Grotto in Arnotts. Fenlon promises him a pay
rise if he comes to Shels. O’Brien says it’ll have to be after Christmas
as he is starring in the St Peter’s Parish Church Hall rendition of
‘Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”.
• Barry is put in charge of the Dalymount Christmas Tree, a fine piece
of Norwegian spruce set to stand in the middle of Dalymount Park. The
star at the top of the tree is set up so it faces Tolka Park and, in
flashes of Morse code, spells; “Do you want us to pay your tax bill
Oily, cos we can afford it!”
• John Delaney and his henchmen announce the details of the new FAI
league divisions. The Premier Division shall consist of three rounds and
shall be made up by Shelbourne, Shelbourne reserves, Shelbourne u-21’s,
Shelbourne u-15s’, Shelbourne Fans Club, Pets of Shelbourne Fans Club,
Shamrock Rovers, Shamrock Rovers reserves, Shamrock Rovers Thugs First
XI, Shamrock Rovers Thugs second XI, John Delaney FC and Bohemians
(because we’re rich).
The remaining club names have been fed into a computer and their fate
will be decided randomly.
• Ollie sues Santa Claus as he never received any presents as a child.
• Posting his Christmas list through the letterbox of Dalymount Park, a
rotund figure, easily identified as Glen Crowe, asks Santa to bring him
a Bohs contract for Christmas and for Baby Jesus to forgive him his sins
of joining the King Herod-run club down the road.
• Thomas Heary finally manages to weasel out of the Junior Campers and
has a pint to celebrate. He wakes up with a Rovers' kit beside him.
• Stephen Ward says he would love nothing more than to stay at his
beloved Bohemian’s, but if the right offer came along, he’s be off to
Telford like a shot.
• The Board of Limerick FC are getting a bit worried about the possible
Polish takeover as a large chap with the mother of all moustaches
arrives on horseback and talks about solidarity.
• Trevor Welch applies for the assistant manager job at Bohemians in his
best D4 accent. Connor tells him to “go home you Cork bastard.”
• Kilkenny City promise to win a game next season.
• Echoing utterings of the past, Pat Scully reckons Rovers will be in
their new home in three or four decades.
• Vinny Arkins demands a new contract. He gets a contract right enough….
• Stephen O’Brien is flabbergasted when told he is surplus to
requirements at Dalymount. He knocks up to Dotsy’s place in the
Connaught Street Stand and asks him to show Connor the tapes of him
playing the season just gone. Seven seconds in, O’Brien hands in his
resignation.
• Gareth Farrelly appears on the X-Factor as Louis Walsh's wild card.
• Ollie threatens a High Court injunction against the Random Pictures
thread, saying that a collection of pictures should be won in the photo
albums around Ireland.
• As everyone breaks up for Christmas, Thomas Heary tries to convince
everyone he is "Bohs' Player of the Year". He celebrates by buying a pint and wakes up
in a Shelbourne strip.
• Ollie threatens to sue the Dalymount Christmas Tree and tries to get
Michael Stone to barge into Dalymount and measure it’s height. He claims
it’s bigger than his ego. Barry Ferguson disagrees, saying it is not
bigger than his ego even.
• Bidding farewell to Ollie on Christmas Eve, Fenlon makes the mistake
of asking for the full day off on Christmas. He is told to be all the
earlier the next morning.
• Locking himself into Castle Ollieskull, Ollie Byrne is visited by
three ghosts; the Ghost of Titles Past, the Ghost of Current Financial
Instability and, more fearsome, the Ghost of the ‘Out of Business’ sign.
Each of the three bring him on a journey through his life in an effort
to change him from being a miserable, egotistical bastard to a less
miserable, egotistical bastard. He promptly signs the three ghosts up
for next seasons squad.
• Colin Hawkins arrives sheepishly at the gates of Dalymount on a cold
Christmas Eve and asks Connor, still in his office for some reason, to
take him on. In the spirit of the season, he puts his hand around his
shoulder, gives him a cup of mulled wine, sits him under the Dalymount
Tree, and delivers a round-house kick to the bollix.
• Mad Tom takes off the grey anorak and dons his red suit, letting the
reindeers out of the garage…Tom realises he’s said too much.
To be continued...
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