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November 2007
November: “And now, the end is near, and so I face, the final curtain…”
For the last time, Mad Tom will wonder and amaze us with his prophecies
of the not too distant future before he retires to the DART…
• Australian television company Grundy contact Bohemians with a view to
recording an updated version of Prisoner: Cell Block H. The plot is
based around four young Dublin men who get banged up, in more ways than
one, in Derry. Early news indicated that Frankie is set to play Queen
Bea.
• The FAI change, yet again, the rules of Setanta Cup qualification. As
of now, the League Cup winners, Derry, must enter a play-off with the
winners of the First Division providing the winners of the First
Division wear white shirts, ie Dundalk. If not, then the second-placed
team in the League Cup, Bohemians qualify to play with the runners-up of
the First Division, Cobh Ramblers, providing the weather isn’t wet that
day. Should it rain, Cork Academicals will battle it out with EMFA in a
song contest, but only if Cork City fields 15 players in a team, in
which case Longford Town will give up their FAI Cup Final place and slug
out a two-way tie with Kilkenny City, who do not qualify because they
bring in less than 300 fans per week. If so, Carlisle United will take
on Jason Byrne and if the moon is in Uranus, as it was for the four lads
in Derry, then John Delaney will distance himself from all football and
instigate a new fusbal tournament to be completed by the fourth harvest
moon of the year. Though, if x + y and y is June 25th, then straws will
be drawn. Simple!
• Thanks to the announcement over the PA in German at the Galway United
match, Bohemian FC announce that they are offering English lessons to
any foreigner who walks through the door. The first to sign up is the
Setanta Cup, looking for English classes.
• New Ireland manager Jose Mourhino clashes with Sean Connor over who is
more special.
• Pat Fenlon cannot comprehend why he can’t buy players for the Ireland
U-23 team.
• In a major clampdown, the FAI fine Bohemians for allowing men to run
around the pitch in football jerseys.
• Damien Richardson moans that, yet again, Cork are being ‘rhidden rhock
scholid’ by the authorities because there’ll be a three week break
between the final game of the season and the Cup Final. In a thesis to
Trinity College, Rico muses on the importance of being a hardy football
team with a “misshion to the people of Cork. We are who we are, we
refuse to be rhidden by Dublin.”
• Cutting a forlorn figure, John Delaney tells everyone it was indeed he
who appointed Jose Mourhinio as Ireland manager.
• Interviewed on Podge and Rodge, Sean Connor tries to convince everyone
that he is indeed descended from Aristotle. While they rip the arse out
of his claim, Connor goes behind the counter for a quick shifty with
Lucy.
• Following their performances at half-time during the Bohs-Cork Cup
game, the Bohs Babes are hired by Podge and Rodge.
• Mark O’Neill Cummins is brought before the Carver Kerouac Kafka
Tribunal for crimes against writing having unveiled his latest eircom-league-focus
tosh. He is found guilty and sentenced to three years in the HSE sorting
out who changes the lightbulbs.
• Ken Oman gets pissed and tells Paul Hyland what it was really like
under Farrelly.
• New Ireland manager Gay Byrne announces that he’s banning all young
players from playing for the senior team unless they are accompanied by
a senior player with more than two years experience.
• Having finished second, Sean Connor tells Pat Kenny that he is
delighted with his first season as manager of Bohs. His aim for next
season is to go one better and actually win the League Cup.
• The Board of Management announce that they are putting up admission
prices next season, no matter what the member’s say or vote. Gerry Cuffe
will dissolve the membership structure and create a Bohemian Empire,
where regional governors will take care of certain matters.
• Burdocks announce they are pulling out of Dalymount due to proposed
price increases by the board on the batter burgers. Seventy Gardaí
picket Dalymount Lane
.• Pat Dolan and Stephen Kenny get married on the banks of the Camac.
Rumours that Stephen Kenny is pregnant are dismissed when it is clearly
visible that it is Dolan who is pregnant.
• Paddy Murray releases the new Bohemian club shop Christmas range of
products. Despite protestations, he insists that he has not just stuck a
piece of tinsel on the jerseys. He then disappears in a puff of smoke.
• Tommy Allen clinches the role of Wild Bill Hickock in Ridley Scott’s
new eponymous blockbuster.
• Gerry Cuffe rows in behind Ireland's bid to host the 2018 World Cup
with Scotland, England, Brazil, Cabra and Italy.
• Debating an All-Ireland league, John Delaney surprises everyone by
adding his approval to the idea and saying he will do his tantamount
best to implement the league. He says he would love to see Liverpoool,
Manchester United, Celtic and Dunfermline all play in the one league.
When asked about Bohemians competing, he says that’s a non-runner as
teams from the Czech Republic won’t qualify.
• Following on from the roaring success of I’m A Celebrity… and
Celebrities Go Wild, the eircom League announce they are to film a new
series starring top football personalities (I’m Overpaid, Get Me Out Of
Here!) in Ireland who will under go a series of rigorous tasks and be
voted out one-by-one. Taking part will be Packie Bonner, Dave Blood,
Brian Kerr, Glen Crowe, Orla Barry, Eddie O’Sullivan, Bertie Ahern and
Mary Harney. Each will complete one task each day and the public will
vote out someone at the end of each night. The first task is to eat as
many pies as possible. It evolves to a battle to the death between
Harney and Crowe.
• Despite getting voted out every night, Bertie Ahern survives to win
I’m Overpaid, Get Me Out Of Here! As a reward he knocks on every door in
the country and asks us to donate e5 for an increase in wages. Like the
clowns we are, we all agree, slap him on the back and then retire to the
pub to moan about his salary.
• Bohemians announce that they are entering a team to the new A
Division, to kick-off next season. Sean Connor gleefully rubs his hands
together and hands in a list of 37 players he wants to the Board.
Without even looking at the list, Connor is handed a blank cheque.
• Chuck Norris, signing autographs in a whirlwind tour of el ground,
wafts lyrical on his time in charge of Bohs. He cannot believe that we
let two Cups slip form our grasp and demands to meet Sean Connor in
person to deliver a swift roundhouse kick to the bollix. However, our
wee Sean challenges him to a dual on University Challenge. He receives a
trademark Norris kick anyway.
• The Dalymount Cat announces that he has nothing to do with the new
kitten sighted in Section A.
• The Shetland Islands are shortlisted to host the 2018 World Cup.
• Speaking on Richard & Judy, Darren Mansaram says he has been delighted
with his first season at Bohs. He said he was a little unsure about
coming from the metropolis of Scotland initially but has settled well in
Dublin and is delighted with the crowd reaction to him. He adds that
Neal Fenn is a ponce.
• In response, Neal Fenn calls a press conference saying that, while he
uses shower gel, hair gel, moisturiser, after-shave cooling balm, tea
tree oil, eau de t’oilette, tree-friendly deodorant and wears only the
silkiest underwear, he is not a ponce. It’s just his way.
• Due to the criticism thrown at the FAI for scheduling the FAI Cup
final some weeks after league action ends, they decide that from next
season, the FAI Cup final will be the first game of the year.
Relegation/promotion play-offs will take place during the break in June.
• When an earthquake hits Phibsborough, BEST and the Gardaí refuse to
open the Connaught Street stand for refugees.
• Prompted by the stunning picture in the Evening Herald, the programme
committee decide to run random shots of the crowd in each programme form
next season. The first person to contact the office who is pictured in
the crowd will win a free match ticket to the game of your choice.
Second prize is two match tickets.
• Mystery still surrounds the identity of the bidder of e100 for Ryan
McCann’s jersey. It is rumoured that the bidder has fled the country in
shame.
• Sean Connor trawls Football Manager 2008 for possible additions to his
squad for next season.
• New Ireland manager Paul Hyland says his job will be a piece of piss
as he knows everything and anything about soccer.
• Rumours abound that Sean Connor has his eye on Gareth Farrelly as a
possible new signing for next season.
• Marking the end of an era, an emotional presentation is made as a way
of showing gratitude for many years service to Bohs, to Mad Tom. Fergal
Harkin gets a book token.
• BOHEMIANBOB wakes up suddenly following another nightmare about Bohs.
He hears the shower running in the bathroom and gets up to investigate.
On opening the door, there stands Mad Tom in the shower cubicle. ”Good
morning!” he smiles as he rubs Nivea For Men shower gel into his anorak.
BOB is aghast. It was all a dream! The last few seasons have all been a
dream!
Mad Tom would like to thank the numerous Bohemian players, staff and of
course Message Board regulars for taking their inclusion over the past
two years with good grace and for not contacting their solicitors!
Provided they read the column, of course!
Adios.
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