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November 2006
November: The final month of this accursed season! It’s all over, yes,
finally, it’s all over!!! WooHoo!!!
• Gardaí launch an investigation into the apparent mis-treatment of the
elderly at Dalymount Retirement Home. They are particularly interested
in verbal abuse directed at Arkins and O’Brien.
• Jason McGuinness proudly collects his Pathetic Player of the Year
Award. He quotes from Ulysses in his acceptance speech.
• Permanently AWOL Mark O’Brien features on an episode of Vanishings.
• Recovering from ill health, Bobby Robson contacts Bohs with a view to
ending his days there. He is signed on a three-year contract and handed
the number 9 shirt.
• Shelbourne launch their 64th appeal of the campaign when Ollie finds
out that the turnstiles in Dalymount needed oiling during their
controversial game against Bohs in Dalymount.
• Glen Crowe will eat all the pies.
• With winter blowing in and the usual threat of floods, Ollie begins
building his annual ark. He is hoping to get two strikers, two central
defenders and three points onto the ark.
• U2 record a tribute song to Bohemian’s season on their latest cash-in
Greatest Hits package. Tilted Unforgettably Dire, it features Barry
Ferguson on triangle, Caffo on strings and Dessie Byrne on drugs.
• Kevin Hunt and Bono clash over who is the greatest deity. Bono quotes
form Abraham, Davis and Mark; Hunt smashes his guitar in the interim.
• Kevin Hunt takes Joxer to court demanding the return of his trousers,
funky tie and hair gel. Joxer is adamant Hunt gave him them as gifts,
Hunt says no such thing. He wants his halo back too.
• No-one turns up to the Longford or Bray matches. It makes no
difference to the end result as Bohs lose both games 1-0.
• The league cave into Ollie and announce that Rule 7 Section G
sub-section A4 paragraph 7 line 3 verse 1 sub-verse 10 sub-sub-verse 27
(ie page 20) in the rulebook states that the games must be replayed and
that six points must be awarded to Shels, even if they’re not one of the
teams involved. John Delaney is baffled that the page that this rule
appears on; it seems to have been sello-taped into the rulebook and
written down in a childish scrawl. However, it’s in the rule book…
• Bohs are forced to line out against Shelbourne yet again in Dalymount,
but refuse. It is up to the fans to don the black n’ black and they
relish the challenge. The scenes of utter carnage, blood, fists and
round-house kicks to the scrotum are a joy to behold and twenty minutes
into the game the Shels first eleven are flat on the ground. The Bohs
eleven get sent off. Who cares, Shels cannot continue. Ollie blows his
Krakatoa-like top and threatens to take everyone on. His challenge is
graciously accepted and he disappears, kicking, screaming and wobbling
into Section G. The game is declared a 0-0 draw, our best result this
season.
• Rumours still persist over who the new manager will be. Sean Connor is
the number one un-favourite while Jack Charlton and Alan Kernaghan are
wank outsiders.
• Stephen Kenny sends a videotaped message to Dalymount. At the start is
a highlights clip of how Derry are doing so far this season which segues
into a shot of Kenny laughing and saying “Ha! Who’s laughing now? I’ve
won the League Cup Final!”
• Flying in the face of tradition and history, the board announce the
jersey will change from next season. Gone are the traditional black tops
and black shorts; instead the team are to wear black and red
vertical-striped jerseys. Everyone is in uproar, gasping at how easily
tradition can be tossed to one side. Kevin Hunt, in an interview with
Seoige & O’Shea, claims he is appalled at such a move.
“At least, if they’re going to change strips, please reintroduce the red
and black striped versions, a firm favourite. This black and red version
will be the death knell of tradition. We’ve already lost Dalymount to
developers, good God, are they going to take the Dalymount Cat away and
repaint the shed roof?!?”
Hunt is led away by Niall O’Reilly who makes him laugh by showing him
his Billy Ray Cyrus mullet.
• Gareth Farrelly appears on the Late Late Show campaigning for better
treatment of football managers. He is heckled by Pete Mahon, who claims
“my players” are being made suffer thanks to the Waffen SS in Section G.
He then spits at the cameraman and is wrestled to the ground by some
studenty-type knob on to campaign about fur.
• The FAI announce the details of the league structure to take effect
from next season.
There will be a 12 team Premier Division, 12 team First Division, a ten
team A-Division featuring clubs who think they should be in the league (ie
Ballymun United, St James Gate), a B-Division, which is a regional
league, with half-arsed excuses for teams and an X-Wing Division.
Shamrock Rovers are to be awarded the first Premier Division title
(“Sure it’s been a a while since they last did it, sure there’re a great
bunch of lads” – Delaney) with Shelbourne allowed a 20 point head start.
Despite their millions, Bohs have been ordered only to win the Cup. Bohs
pay 5million euros to have Rovers relegated to the new X-Wing Division.
• The Dalymount Cat is given the honour of choosing the new Bohs
manager.
• Hypnotist Paul Goldin offers to erase the painful 2006 season from
Bohs fans memories. He is inundated with offers and blank cheques.
• The first few sessions with Paul Goldin goes slightly awry as three
fans slip into past life regression and realise they where Rovers fans
in a previous life. Bohemian Bob contemplates suicide when he realises
he was Ollie Byrne’s grandfather.
• Mad Tom approached to be the new manager.
• Bohs TV goes live on cable, ntl and Sky+.
• The final game of the season finally comes round. Shels need to beat
Bohs to clinch the title. Because the first eleven are still recovering
from their injuries inflicted in the replayed game, they are forced to
field a team of kids. The game is practically over as a contest by half
time as Stephen O’Brien picks another ball from the net. However, in an
amazing turnaround, Bohs, for the first time this season, get their act
together and win the tie by a single goal, handing the Premier Division
title to Derry City.
However, it is announced that Shamrock Rovers are to be awarded the
Premier Division title because “they’re a great bunch of lads, so they
are.” War erupts. Stephen Kenny gets tongue-tied and actually flicks his
hair. Paul Doolin loses his newly purchased wig in a huge temper.
Merrion Square is stormed by thousands with pitchforks and torches and
the door is kicked down. Martial law is declared by Bertie. John
Delaney, in his bunker beneath Merrion Square, tries to contact Ollie’s
Death Star in a effort to clam the masses. Michael McDowell orders
snipers to pick off any football fans they see, except those wearing
foreign jerseys as they’re “the good guys” A stormy end to a stormy
season.
• However, in Dalymount, a figure walks through the late night mist and
up Dalymount Lane. He has a kit bag over his shoulder. He knocks on the
door. “Hello, I’m the new manager; the real one…’
To be continued...
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