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October 2007
October: Old Mad Tom apologises for the delay in transmitting his
musings for this month a bit later than usual; he was attending the
X-factor heats as well as doing a line….
• Bohemians fined e100 because a fan in Section E farted as a crucial
corner was being taken at the rearranged game against Shamrock Rovers
• Shelbourne fined e20 because Dermot Keely didn’t shave.
• Shamrock Rovers fine the FAI e 1,000 for fining them.
• Wanting change of a twenty, Kevin Hunt goes to the Change Manager. He
comes away with a book about Aristotle.
• FAI fine Bohs e 65m because Sean Connor’s jacket didn’t feature a
crest at the cup game vs St Pats.
• Alan Blayney, Glen Crowe, Owen Heary and Chris Turner offer to shave
their heads for the Send Alan Kelly to Referee School fund.
• The similarities to Joxer’s and Stephen Ireland’s hairdo cause some
chin scratching among the Bohemian faithful.
• Liam Burns asks Sean Connor can he leave training because his cat
died. When his cat is seen, alive and miaowing, some days later, he
admits he wanted to go home because he had loads of ironing to do.
• Hours before the League Cup final is due to kick off, the FAI alter
the rules for Setanta Cup qualification yet again. They now insist that
the winners of the League Cup must replay the game twice as a best out
of three competition. If the winner is Bohemians, the games will
continue to be played until such a time as the Division 1 winners come
out on top. If they fail to beat Bohs over the marathon, Bohs will be
eliminated for appointing Gareth Farrelly manager.
• Gareth Farrelly fines the FAI e9 for bringing his name into disrepute
• Bohemians fine Gareth Farrelly e100 for bringing Bohemians into
disrepute.
• Mark Rossiter expresses his disappointment at his constant exclusion
from Spiderman’s squad guesstimates. Spider replies “Mark who?”
• Following the scandal of the ‘L’ on the Bohs jersey eroding off, an
unidentified fan hopes against hope that the letters
‘T-O-N-Y-H-O-P-P-E-R’ fall off his.
• Fixtures are thrown into chaos all throughout the eircom league as the
FAI adopt Anthony Buttimer’s way of thinking regarding club strips on
matchdays. As a result, Bohs’ crunch fixture against Galway United is
delayed by four hours while Buttimer calls in fashion experts to iron
out any colour clashes. After much hair pulling and verbal threats, the
game is allowed go ahead, Bohs wearing coalsacks and Galway wearing
their own jerseys. Cork City aren’t so lucky as they have to don Bray
Wanderers gear while as for Shelbourne and the Penney’s t-shirts, well
that’s another story.
• Following the round thrashing of Ireland at the hands of Germany, new
Ireland boss Pat Fenlon is forced to look in Ireland for new talent to
wear the green jersey. With the media on his back already and Paul
Hyland sharpening his little spiteful pencil, the pressure is on Fenlon
to come up with a new team and system.
• Despite a League Cup (loser’s medal?) to his name, Sean Connor is
still under immense pressure from Bohemian fans everywhere who demand
more. Speaking to Ned Simpson, Connor muses how it wasn’t like that in
the old days. He fondly recalls how his great x 28 times grandfather,
Aristotle, managed the Greek national team to a Hellas Cup win and a
Trojan cup final in the space of one year. Aristotle was sacked the
following season for shagging around.
• Having won a first premier league title, the Drogheda United squad go
on the absolute piss and rampage through the streets of Drogheda in a
scene of debauchery and card playing not seen since the days of
Cromwell. Interviewed after the celebrations, Paul Doolin, still
hammered, dedicates the championship win to Anthony Buttimer, him being
the referee who forced Shamrock Rovers to wear the same colour kit as
Drogheda in their all-important clash.
• Desolate at having suffered an end-of-season collapse and finished
fifth, Pat Scully is sighted at the top of Howth Head. Crowds gather as
a lone voice tries to prevent him from jumping, even thought everyone
else is urging him on.
• Because he is the self-styled Son of God thanks to his sublime
greatness in the Shamrock Rovers hotseat, Scully jumps but ascends into
Heaven.
• The FAI fine Scully e100 for ascending into Heaven.
• While their rampage through the streets of Drogheda is swept under the
carpet, the FAI fine Drogheda United e 200 for winning the league.
• Pat Dolan, sporting his scruffy new rocker hairstyle, is signed up to
be the face of Head and Shoulders’ new extra large bottle.
• Eddie Gormley ponders why he ever took the Bray Wanderers job.
• Selecting his squad for the forthcoming qualifier against Wales,
Ireland boss Pat Fenlon surprises everybody by not selecting one eircom
league player. The shock is compounded when Jason Byrne togs out in the
number 9 shirt.
• Following on from his battle cry to invade the pitch after the, ahem,
leaguecupfinalwin, ahem, Sean Connor addresses the Bohs faithful to
gather again in the Brandywell for the league game while atop a horse
and with his face painted blue. He urges the faithful to moon at the
Derry team, in the hope that the pints and curries quaffed prior to
kick-off may hinder their gameplan somewhat.
• Finn Harps send Bohemians’ directions to their godawaful ‘stadium’ in
Ballybofey as both prepare to meet for a place in the Setanta Cup. They
ask for directions to Dalymount and Bohs send them back the directions,
in reverse.
• Despite being brought forward to accommodate Bohs and Longford in the
FAI Cup the following Sunday, Bohs v UCD barely omits a stifled yawn
from the crowd. Pete Mahon admits that Connor did well to win the
prestigious league Cup runners-up medals with his players. The game is
so boring and overshadowed by the spectacle some days later that the
result will never go down in history.
• On the morning of the Cup semi against Cork City, Kevin Hunt makes the
decision to retire from professional football at the end of the season.
Deciding not to tell anyone until after Bohs lift the Cup, he confides
in the Dalymount Cat. However, the cat in question is Liam Burns cat,
still alive and well…
To be continued…
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