Old Mad Tom's Almanac

October 2006

October: The trees are stripped bare, of all they wear, what do I care? October, kingdoms rise and kingdoms fall, but you go on; and on...

• The search goes on for Bohs new manager. Fat Dolan has ruled himself out as he can’t fit through the doors of Dalymount and a request to open the metal gates at the Burdock’s caravan is flatly refused. He is told Bohs don’t have the resources to man that end of the Jodi Stand every day.
• Roddy Collins, in his new, self-penned autobiography, ‘I’m great – the story of my strife’, says he would be delighted if he were offered the vacant Bohs post. In the centre pages is a coupon whereby the reader signs his name and sends the coupon, pleading with the board to employ Roddy, to Dalymount.
• Bertie Ahern unknowingly mentions John Delaney among his cash donors.
• Ollie Byrne contacts Dublin City Council with a view to building a new stadium on the proposed artificial island of which the presentation is doing the rounds on the web.
• Pat Devlin threatens to retake the helm at Bray following their systematic thrashing at the hands of Cork City. Stephen Staunton makes him rethink his decision, saying he will be needed to manage the Irish team in Cyprus.
• Ireland, with two new debutants from Finglas Celtic, are soundly beaten by the Cypriots. Devlin rants and raves that there is nothing in the rules about the Cypriots being allowed to throw cheap crockery and dance every time they score. There was a lot of dancing and plate smashing.
• Mad Tom refuses to go into details about the Czech match…
• Pat Devlin sacked as temporary Ireland manager and he storms off in a huff.
• Jimmy O’Connor has to be revived when he spots Devlin’s CV among the post..
• The FAI hold the first of three EGM’s regarding the restructuring of the eircom league and their all encompassing hand of death when they take over the running of the el. Heated arguments fly back and forth across the round table but after two and a half hours, the first item on the agenda is agreed to. Delaney calls a press conference to announce that the delegates will eat Hob-Nobs with their tea and have a selection of crackers as an aperitif, before beginning the meeting.
• Stephen Kenny and his UEFA Cup heroes travel through the Bogside on an open-top bus, waving to the masses and basking in the ticker tape reception that rains down on them. Ken Oman is the first to realise that there was an explosion at the local ticker tape factory.
• Kevin Hunt receives a bunch of flowers form the board, pleading with him to be the new manager. He politely refuses, saying he has too many student parties to attend.
• Stephen O’Brien clinches the role of papa Smurf in Ridley Scott’s new live action production of The Smurfs.
• Failing to agree on who Rocky Balboa’s best opponent is, a fight breaks out in the bar before the St Patrick’s Athletic match. The fight makes all the papers and all Bohs fans are reported as being a mindless “bunch of thugs” by Paul Hyland, who has to check with his lawyers on use of the word thug as Shamrock Rovers keeps cropping up in the spell check.
•A tearful Ollie Byrne goes on Six One News saying how terrified he felt from two miles away. He then demonstrates to the cameraman how to really throw a punch and down your opponent.
• Felim O’Reilly and Gerry Cuffe call a press conference to remind the public that we are the richest club in Ireland. He is soon joined at the podium by John Delaney who slithers up beside him and begs the public to reconsider their opinion of “this warm, friendly, loaded… I mean, fantastic, money-laden, eh, family club.” He tells the world that the league needs a strong Bohs.
• War erupts in the city centre and Tallaght as Rovers fans go on the rampage. Spokesperson Johnny McTerrorist, speaking from behind the latest Burberry ’06 autumn collection scarf, claims that a strong Rovers is the only club the league needs. Responding to this, Delaney, resplendent in his red and black jersey, releases a statement; “Oh fuck off you mindless whinging bunch of wankers, how in the name of God I kept you alive I’ll never know…”
• Kilkenny City win a match. A public holiday is declared in Kilkenny. Then it’s announced that they fielded an illegible player. The public of Kilkenny have to work on Sunday.
• The sexy new look message board still causes problems for some people, most notably Mad Tom who can’t get his f***in’ avatar to operate properly.
• Still managerless Bohs line up to start the game against Dublin City. With eleven players on the field, Alan Kelly, who now loves Bohs following his suspension and offered to lace their boots beforehand, blows the whistle. Bohs immediately mount an attack. With no one to beat but the gaping, empty, huge hole of a net in front of him, Vinny Arkins collects an excellent ball from Stephen Ward, begins a mazy run and shoots.
• Bohs lose 1-0.
• Stephen Kenny, on a scouting mission, chuckles in the stands.
• Vinny Arkins is hung, drawn and quartered the following day in Phibsboro. There are major problems burning him at the stake as his varnished skin proves hard to set alight. Eventually someone brings a plane from Woodies and begins shaving the Ronseal off him.
• Speaking to those smarmy guys on Off the Ball on Newstalk, Rocky Seary claims it was the greatest victory for Dublin City since their 2-1 play-off win over Rovers. This win, he adds, is even more memorable as Dublin City don’t actually exist anymore.
• Ten Japanese businessmen are shown around the Harristown site with a view to investing heavily in Bohemian FC. Wan Hung-Lo, a top cybertronics manufactuer, loves the idea that Bohs will have their very own bus station behind the stand and that fans from far and near will be able to fly in direct to the games thanks to the adjacent runway.
Cuffe and O’Reilly exchange nervous glances. “Eh, yes, that’s right, yes, that’s right.”
• Oliver Stone wants to make a film about the sacking of Farrelly. He has already lined up Nicholas Cage to play the part of Gary Howlett, Zed form Police Academy as Barry Ferguson, Prince as Stephen O’Brien and Daniel Craig in the lead role.
• A ropey sounding Kevin Hunt rings in sick, saying that the student party got out of hand.
• Thanks to some careful burgling, bribes and general snooping, Ollie Byrne discovers that Kevin Hunt received 20euro in a Christmas card from his aunt shortly after he joined Bohs. He calls for Hunt to stand down over this shameful act.
• Hunt tells Ollie to fuck off.
• Fenlon is beginning to regret not moving to Bohs when a signing of his new book, ‘Nutsy: I’m not very tall’ attracts screaming teenagers only. His sensitive ears are damaged with the highly audible squealing.
• Gareth Farrelly serves Philo a cup of coffee in Subway, saying it’s the best he can do with the money available, lack of beans, young beans and injuries to the principle coffee makers in Subway. He asks for more time.
• Mr T contacts the MB and thanks those who voted him Rocky’s best opponent.
• The FAI hold the second of three EGM’s regarding the restructuring of the eircom league and their all encompassing hand of death when they take over the running of the el. Heated arguments fly back and forth across the round table but after three hours, another item on the agenda is agreed to. Delaney calls a press conference to announce that the delegates will indeed, as speculated, have bacon with their chips and egg and that only Coca Cola will be served. He reckons they will be able to begin the meeting proper in three to four weeks.
• Bohs play host to Pete Mahon’s UCD. Mahon slips his CV into Cuffe’s pocket but Cuffe promptly hands the yellow stickie back to him.
• The new strike-force of Stephen O’Brien and that mad bloke who cages chips off everyone is non-existent and replaced at half time by Ward and O’Keeffe. Kevin Hunt plays a vital role in this game with his newfound knowledge of students. At half time he leaves a crate of Heineken, or Heino, in the dressing room. The students take the bait and Mahon is forced to take the field on his own. Despite repeated callings, he refuses to repeat his ‘spin on his heel and fall on his arse’ party trick. He leaves the field spitting and brushing back his hair.
• Barry emerges as the hot candidate for the Bohs job.
• It is revealed that Gareth Farrelly and Steve Staunton are one and the same. Some wily Bohs fans cop on when they notice that Staunton’s excuses are exactly the same as Farrelly’s were.
• Stephen Kenny finally answers the question put to him at a manager Bohs fans meeting in Dalymount some years back; he prefers Christina Aguilera. And chips.
• The Bohs Babes go into the studio to record their Christmas single.
• The new MB goes into overdrive as yet another picture of Prof Gartlan, with or under the influence of, beer makes it onto the new Longest thread.
• A Hallowe’en banquet is held in the Phoenix Bar and as a treat all sorts of horrors are on show for the fans; Dean Dodds, Alan Kelly, Joseph Batty, Brendan Place, Joe McGrath, Elvis Plantek, the purple jersey, price of club merchandise and Gareth Farrelly to name a few.

To be continued...
 

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