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September 2007
September – When we are guaranteed excellent weather thanks to all those
wasters who hang around corners going back to school. Mad Tom has been
know to shed his coat on balmy early-autumnal evenings.
• Sean Connor defends his ‘change leader’ epic in the programme by
confirming he penned it while on the piss.
• Owen Heary wins the Most Gushing Shelbourne Supporter Award, which he
dedicates to Shelbourne.
• The Gardaí, speaking on the Six One News, defend their majority
presence at Bohs games by claiming that they have a tip off that the
Dalymount Cat is a drugs runner. They also suspect that Barry is a crime
king-pin in Whitehall.
• Burdock’s announce record sales thanks to the heavy Garda presence in
Dalymount.
• Pat Fenlon turns up to clean the toilets at Dalymount while dropping
in another C.V.
• The Rant thread is mysteriously deleted when someone complains that
they hate message board threads.
• Jason McGuinness reacts to the fans acceptance of him as a meat and
potatoes defender with astonishment.
• Ollie Byrne goes into the offices of Heaven and goes through the list
of registered saints, finding quite a few discrepancies.
• Thousands turn up to Dalymount for the Bohs-Rovers game not knowing
that the game was called off due to international call-ups. It is left
to Jimmy O’Connor to explain to the massed hordes. Not knowing what to
do, the schooligans declare war on St Peter’s Church because it’s an
easy target.
• Bohemian FC issues a blanket ban on mullets. Anyone sporting one is
not allowed to attend home games. The schooligan threat disappears
immediately.
• Old Mrs Nosey of St Peter’s Road is flung up against a wall by the
guards, frisked and handcuffed for commenting to her neighbour that
there are “a lot more cops around Dalymount these days, aren’t there?”
• Gordon Brown offers to reassemble the Black n’Tans to help deal wit
the schooligan problem. For an extra fee we can use them against Rovers.
• The Revenue and Associated Saints visit God to discuss the
registration problem discovered by Ollie Byrne.
• Pat Scully burns the dinner and publicly comments that he is “useless
and the wife should divorce me.”
• However, he makes a damn good breakfast and prides himself on the fact
that “no-one else could have done it.”
• Wexford Youths release a statement saying that they still actually
exist as no-one seems to care.
• Sean Connor sets up a podium in College Green to display his UEFA Pro
Licence. Initially a large crowd attend, thinking it’s one of the Dead
Sea scrolls.
• Bray Wanderers announce a new jersey. It is a black with yellow
sunburst effect and displays the crest of Cork City.
• Replying to rumours that he is to join St Pat’s, Stephen Kenny moves
quickly to deny the stories but adds that “a move, at some stage, back
to my old club would be stupefrendous.”
• While digging at the site of St Peter’s School, 'Time Team' Discover a
rare Bohemian–Arsenal programme. It subsequently ends up on eBay.
• Paddy Murray announces new opening hours for the club shop; 5.30 –
6.35am Mon-Thurs, 7.30-7.40pm match nights.
• Diadora announce they are to dispatch a whole load of replica gear to
Dalymount by FedEx. The much anticipated merchandise includes
wristbands, tie-pins, loo-roll holders and boxer shorts.
• 2IC angers some Bohemian stalwarts by setting up a barbeque in the
Member’s Bar and drinking cans of Fosters. A plot is hatched to send him
to Australia aboard a prison ship via Van Diemens Land…
• Curtis Fleming and Felix Healy go away for a romantic weekend together
in the most Boring Hotel in the World. Suits them perfect then.
• Channel 6 announces an live eircom league package for the forthcoming
season. Presented by Brendan Courtney with commentary by Glenda Gilson,
the programme hopes to attract a new gay audience to live soccer.
• Following Ollie Byrne’s scrutiny of the registration of saints, Heaven
is relegated and God sacked.
• With a view to sexing up eircom league grounds for their new live
feature, Channel 6 visits Dalymount and recommends the floodlight pylons
be used to support creeping vines and flowers. Tut-tutting at the state
of the tramway end, Brendan Courtney proposes a new pub/nightclub for
post match revelry be built on the stand, provisionally called GayBoh.
• Brendan Courtney found tarred and feathered outside the Phoenix Bar.
Sean Connor denies any knowledge or involvement.
• While reviewing his recent manager notes, Sean Connor realises that he
signed Chris Kingsbury.
• Debates rage across the web and airwaves as to who will referee the
all-important League Cup final against Derry. While a Dublin ref is the
safe bet, Sepp Blatter announces that the referee will be chosen in due
time and that “the choice of individual will be made following a tough
scrutiny of records, performances and how games were handled.”
• Alan Kelly is appointed to referee the League Cup final. War erupts.
• Speaking on her usual lunchtime ’disaster’ slot, Sky News’ Kay
Burley’s live report form the burning streets of Phibsborough is
interrupted when a plane crashes in the Andes. Sky immediately decamp in
the hope of some cannibalism.
• Speaking to Miriam MILF O’Callaghan on her live TV show regarding the
uproar over the choice of referee, Barry Lenihan, in a though-provoking
discussion, asks for a B.
• Roy O’Donovan has a troubled Roy Keane in stitches with tales of
Damien Richardson’s incomprehensible speeches.
• Shelbourne announce that they are to borrow life-size cardboard
cut-outs from a nearby Chartbusters to place in the stand giving the
illusion that a lot more people are at the games.
• In a shock announcement Derry City unveil James Nesbitt as their new
manager prior to the League Cup final.
• Bohs fans and member’s alike react with horror when it is discovered
that Harpal Singh is recuperating, from whatever injury he originally
had, in Chernobyl.
• James Nesbitt warned for shagging a player’s wife.
• James Nesbitt given a second warning for shagging the same player’s
daughter.
• Neale Fenn spotted practising his shooting in DCU. He quickly
discovers that trying to shoot into an open goal while in a sleeping bag
just won’t work.
• James Nesbitt misses training because the blow-up doll he stuffed into
the boot of his car aroused the suspicion of the PSNI.
• Once again using his undoubted talent for spotting a good deal to
benefit his club, Gareth Farrelly advises Rico strongly to snap up the
three bottles of Quix for the price of two in Tesco. Rico starts them in
defence.
• Spiderman wins a crystal vase for most posts on the Rant! thread.
• Chris Turner brushes up on the history of Alan Reynolds and buys nails
for his boots.
• Having kept a very low profile, Pat Dolan hits the headlines again
when he slips and falls over the side of a pleasure boat off Dublin Bay.
The subsequent tidal wave engulfs Lambay Island, Ireland’s Eye, the
south of the Isle of Man, the east coast of Dublin and Sellafield.
Shipping routes are affected while he is salvaged form the sea.
To be continued…
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