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September 2006
Yet again, Bohs are without a manager though street parties and
fireworks followed the departure of Farrelly. Mad Tom, who has been a
tad incorrect in most, if not all, of his forecasts, gives us his most
accurate vision yet…
September: Named in honour of the endless traffic jams that will
accompany kids going back to school with a ratio of one child to a
people carrier…
• Breaking News… Farrelly Gone!!! becomes the new Big Flag thread
• As Farrelly is packing up his belongings (fluffy computer toy, mug,
phone holder, etc.) Damien Duff, Shay Given and Stilian Petrov arrive
looking for him, claiming they were contacted by Farrelly about playing
for Bohs.
• Lord Kevin Hunt descends form heaven to hold a press conference
regarding the rumours surrounding his interim stewardship of Bohemians.
• Philo takes over Bohs. He is also appointed Head of Security and Chief
Jacket Thrower.
• Stephen O’Brien unintentionally injures a baby when Harkin throws him
his car keys. He allows the keys to slip through his hands, legs and
testicles, meaning the poor infant gets them smack in the head. O’Brien
then gets a smack in the head from the irked mother. Misjudging where
the midget’s head is, she hits Harkin, who is ruled out for seven weeks
with a headache.
• News of Bohemian’s amazing new stadium deal is the envy of the
footballing world. As Gerry Cuffe, Felim O’Reilly and Fiachra sport
18-caret gold rings and jewel-encrusted Rolex’s, John Delaney and Oily
Byrne saunter up Dalymount Lane wearing Bohs jerseys and singing ‘Bohs
‘til I Die. “I was always a Bohs fan,” Delaney gushes as he bends down
to lick Fiachra's arse. Ollie, used to arse-licking, points out the
proper way to do it before he offers sexual favours to Gerry. Both are
employed as toilet cleaners with special emphasis on the Guinness
Throne. They earn fuck all and are dismissed at the end of the week.
• Bohs ‘Til I Die sues Ollie and Delaney for sullying his good name.
• A scale model of the new stadium on Mount Olympus is unveiled. Along
with a seven- tier 16,713 all-seater stadium, the Government jet is made
available by a back-slapping, vote hungry Bertie in order to
effortlessly shuttle legions of Bohs fans to and from the games. The
stadium will include four gourmet restaurants, a 100-seater cinema,
brothel, a continually stocked souvenir shop and of course a Burdock’s
caravan. A statue of the God of Penalty Takers, Barry is to be unveiled
at the opening ceremony. Kevin Hunt will sit in an ornate marble throne
carved by hand by Indonesian orphans. There will be undersoil heating,
half-time gladiatorial matches involving Rovers or Shels fans and hungry
lions, and various sedans where members can watch the game in comfort,
being continually fed grapes by scantily-clad, sex starved vixens. Each
member gets a free toga and leafy thing for their heads.
• In a fit of jealous rage, Ollie scours the rule books and demands that
the stadium plan be scrapped as Liam Carroll was once suspended form
school.
• “Who’s the small club now?” thousands of Bohs fans chant as they put
down deposits on apartments to be built on the site of Tolka Park.
• Pat Scully, on el weekly, scoffs at Bohs new stadium plan and assures
everyone that Rovers new stadium in Tallaght will be ready in 3-4 weeks.
When Osam questions the truth behind his statement, Scully cries and
stamps his feet. Aidan Cooney gathers him in his arms and sings
lullabies until he falls asleep. Paul Osam can’t quite believe what he
has just seen. Neither can anyone else.
• Time Team uncover the legendary Book of Contacts as they excavate the
car park in Dalymount. Led by Tony Robinson, the guy with the
south-coast accent and that mad bloke in the gay jumper, they herald it
as a amazing discovery. “What we have here, is, wait for it, the LOST
book of contacts… and we’ve found it in under three days..!” They
present it to Philo who promptly organises a special book burning. Out
of curiosity, he leafs through the dusty, leathery manual and discovers
a manual on how to look after contact lenses. Buried down the back is
childish doodles, homework notes dated 1982, the lost psalms of Jesus,
crude pictures of naked women, Figo’s phone number and a complex formula
that is a cure for AIDS.
• Oily Byrne discovers that Jason McGuinness told a lie AFTER his First
Confession, therefore rendering his Holy Communion null and void. He
insists his confirmation be revoked and all monies made be channelled to
his favourite charities; St Eamon of the Blessed Red Faced Biscuit Tin
and Mo Phoca.
• His holiness, Johnny Logan, launches Now That’s What I Call Gypsiesweb,
a compilation of the best singles ever, as voted by Bohs fans. He
launches it at exactly 7:45 in honour of the MB user who came up with
the title.
• Spiderman is recruited by RTÉ to work on scripts for Fair City, thanks
to his success with his on-line soap opera about the eircom league. He
declines the modest fee dangled in front of his and instead opts for the
more salubrious surroundings of Hollyoaks: In the City. He takes Dotsy
on board to help with those awkward camera angles.
• Pat Scully goes for the role as the new Doctor Whoareya.
• Undecided as to who appoint manager, the Board come up with the
excellent idea of tying the 3million euro to the end of some string and
leave it on the North Circular Road. An hour later they reel in Pat
Fenlon, Martin O’Neill, Steve ‘The Gaffer’ Staunton, some aul one at
mass in St. Peter’s and Pat Dolan (reeled in with some difficulty, Old
Mad Tom hastens to add.)
• Each are afforded three minutes to stake their claim before ushered
into a room where Sharon Osbourne and Simon Cowell put them through
hoops with a mortifying song and dance routine.
• Bono and Bob Geldof arrive from their palatial mansions to encourage
Bohemians to donate some of their newly guaranteed riches to Africa.
They are told to fuck right off.
• Some Shelbourne players hold a conference in Fagan’s and agree that
the best option for them is to sell their wares to Bohs. Stuey Byrne,
Glen Crowe, Dean Delaney, and Josepf Ndo are offered interview where
they perform a classic Black Minstrels tune. Dave Rogers, Colin Hawkins
and Jason Byrne are told to wait in a darkened room. The room is an
escape pod which subsequently blasts off into space, accompanied by two
gay robots who ask them are they in the right movie or not.
• Stephen O’Brien, fresh form handing his CV into Willie Wonka’s
Chocolate Factory, arrives at a Cabra school to give some handy tips to
school kids. He leaves humiliated after a penalty shoot involving goals
six foot apart and marked by jackets.
• Despite being manager-less until the end of the season as the Board
contemplate the appointment of the next manager, Bohemians give their
most sterling displays against Sligo, Cork and Waaaaterford. FIFA’s new
rule allowing a goal even it the ball is four yards from the goal line
means the scores are 26-14, 17-9 and 23-1 respectively. Shelbourne are
frustrated when they come up against a freshly built wall in the
opposition box in each of their games. Ollie scours the rule books but
is stumped. It clearly states “all defending teams are allowed to form a
wall…”
• Nearing the end of the month, the Board announce they are near to
announcing a new manager. Word has it that Dolan is to be hired judging
by the amount of solar eclipses and traffic jams on the North Circular
Road.
Watch this space!
To be continued...
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