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August 2007
August – Named after one of the Caesars’, Julius, mad Tom thinks. Also
dedicated to Worcester Bohs who requested Mad Tom to gaze down upon him
and offer his serene wisdom…
• The big clean-up begins following the Sunderland game. Delving through
the piles of rubbish in the bar and indeed gathered on the pitch, Gerry
Cuffe come s across Roy Keane’s personal diary under a table and picks
up the phone to try and contact Sunderland but is persuaded, by coersion,
to have a look through the book first, purely for research purposes
seeing as how the poor unfortunate suffered the trauma of being booed in
Dalymount, God love him.
• Bertie Ahern appears on BohsTV, tearfully describing how he was
shocked and saddened by the booing of Roy Keane from a section of the
Jodi. Filming the event, Dotsy zooms in on his tears and sends a copy of
the tape to the lab in UCD who confirm Dotsy’s suspicions that they are
in fact crocodile tears.
* Crocodiles in Dublin Zoo issue a statement criticising Bertie for
using their tears to defend a “scumbag.”
• Samuel L Jackson responds to a newspaper report claiming he is a
Bohemian fan. In a carefully worded press statement, he says that he “is
no motherf****n’ Bohs fan, I never even heard of no motherf****n’ Bohs!
But if motherf****n’ Bohs want to invite me to be guest of honour at a
motherf****n’ game, I’ll be motherf****n’ honoured.”
• Despite being absolutely shite this season, Longford give Bohs a game
and manage to control a midfield marshalled by a pyjama-clad Kevin Hunt.
Bohs are booed off the pitch at half-time by Roy Keane. The game ends
0-0 and Roddy can be seen covertly dropping a copy of his cv into
Felim’s pocket.
• Alan Kelly receives an award for his portrayal of prince Charming in
Shrek.
• Dark clouds loom on the horizon prior to the much-anticipated League
Cup game against the Decepticons. Bohs have positioned snipers en route
to the Connaught Street stand and there are plans to release a pack of
savage, starving dogs into the mix should Rovers go 1-0 up. Dalymount is
heaving and Niall Quinn addresses the crowds before the game until he
gets a bottle in the back of the head courtesy of Alan Reynolds. Led out
by a booing Roy Keane, Rovers fans wet themselves when they see the team
while the Gardai whet their appetite at the Burdocks stand. Despite Sean
Connor’s protestations that Rovers are actually fielding 14 mean, Alan
Kelly fobs off his concern with a flick of his hair. The game gets
underway with a crunching tackle, headlock and punch to Stephen Rice
courtesy of Reynolds. Kelly ruffles a sheepish Reynold’s hair while
wagging his finger at him and telling him not to be so bold while Rice
rolls in agony on the ground. A yawning Kevin Hunt attempts to admonish
Reynolds but Scully runs onto the field and distracts him while Rovers
score into the Tramway End. There is consternation in the Jodi Stand
while the neanderthals in the Connaught Street side go apeshit. Bohs go
in at half time 1-0 down and despite Lar Rogan’s best efforts by playing
Radiohead, cannot up the mood in the Jodi. AT the half-time team talk,
Dessie Byrne looks up and notices the whiteboard with BELIEVE emblazoned
across it. As the others notice they hear faint strains of the Superman
theme beginning in the background.
Taking the field in much more confident form, Bohs go 2-0 down. Many
fans are despondent having elevated the League Cup to a Class 2 Relic
when the chink of possible silverware loomed. The game is beginning to
peter out and with 20 minutes left Alan Kenny blows for full-time.
• Alan Kelly wounded by the Dalymount sniper.
• Worcester Bohs ends up in the UEFA dock when an anonymous caller
claims he saw him tucking a brown envelope into his pocket prior to a
game between Worcester City FC and Kettering Town.
• Following the sighting of Bohs merchandise on Fair City, producers of
Coronation Street contact Dalymount Park with a view to displaying some
items in Mike Baldwin’s (RIP) nudey-wear factory. The Board are ecstatic
saying that this is a remarkable possibility for club promotion. Samuel
L Jackson has a motherf****n’ walk-on park modelling the latest Bohs
thong.
• Gareth Farrelly is presented with a Waterford Crystal Seppuku knife to
treasure when Cork City travel to Dalymount for their league game. The
irony is lost on the chap. Rico is scarred shitless because he knows his
chances of being ‘rhiddin’ rhock scholid’ increase dramatically with the
‘joy across the road.
• Hillbohs announces he is now free of fat birds and is looking at
slender models.
• With a puzzling atmosphere surrounding a rather disturbing lack of new
signings for Bohs, A press conference is called at 11pm on a Monday
night to benefit maximum attendance. Word leaks out that Connor is going
to unveil four class new signings that will send Bohs surging up the
table. Tickets for the prestigious event go on sale through Ticketmaster.
When asked to pay a handling charge, one anonymous fan leans over the
counter and pulls the ticket out of the machine itself to avoid paying
the charge.
• Thanks to his success as a renowned letter writer in such important
publications as Metro, Irish Independent, Connemara Pigeon Fancier and
St Peter’s Church newsletter, Madder is selected to pen the script for
the next Die Hard film, Still Dying Harder.
• Sean Connor beams like the Dalymount Cat when a record attendance of
25 people throng the Member’s Bar to see who Connor will reveal as new
Bohs players. Following a taped drum roll courtesy of Lar Rogan,
four-blanket covered figures are wheeled in and the first one is
revealed: Brendan Kilkenny. Connor wipes a tear from his eye and
explains how delighted he is to welcome Neil Kilkenny to the club.
Another drum roll and the second signing is revealed; Joey Lapira.
Connor explains how he snapped up the Rangers-loving long haired college
boy at a bargain price in Century 21 in New York. At this moment there
is a thud from the back of the room and Prof Gartlan has to be revived
with pictures of Charlotte Church.
Ignoring the commotion down the back, Connor whips away the third sheet
and the agog crowd are greeted by BA Baracus. Sean Connor continued that
he was impressed by BA’s battling style on the playing pitch which he
caught in a brief, 40-second documentary on tv.
The wail of ambulances approaching Dalymount Lane drowns out a short
speech by Gerry Cuffee but the words “happy”, “brilliant” and “wankers”
are just about audible.
Finally, and leaving the best to last, Optimus Prime is unveiled.
• The Dalymount Riots as they will become known, make the front pages on
all the nationals the following day. ‘Our Shame’ cries the Herald as
Paul Hyland has a field day; ‘Is this what we’ve come to?’ asks the
Indo; ‘CONnor’ blasts The Star; ‘I had sex with three horses’ claims The
Sun while the irish Daily Mail leads with ‘Titanic Sinks’.
• Sean Connor is prepared for surgery to remove Glen Crowe’s framed
jersey from his arse.
• Speaking on Al Jazera, Rovers fan Haka Al Demente laughs and shoots an
AK-47 in the air as he recalls the joy at the consternation in
Dalymount.
• Speaking to Richard and Judy, Samuel L Jackson says “who the a motherf****n’
hell are these motherf****ers? Players? No a motherf****n’ way! Motherf****n’!”
• Samuel L Jackson is signed up as the new PR officer for Bohs and
reserve striker.
• Rumblings in the bowels of Dalymount comment that Mad Tom’s
predictions are going the Simpson way…
• Dark times will return to Dalymount
To be continued…
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