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August 2006
Old Mad Tom has been very down in the dumps lately. Not only has he had
to actually take his grey anorak off because of the beautiful weather
but Dublin City’s demise has left without a place to go every other
Friday when there’s no Bohs game in Dalyer. Luckily, he found Farrelly’s
book of contacts and is, as I sit here, dialling the first name…..
August: Named after Augustus Caesar, according to Discovery Channel, and
they’re NEVER wrong…
• A state funeral is organised for Dublin City FC. Fifteen people turn
up despite Rocky Seery going on radio to say within five years it will
be the biggest funeral ever seen in Dublin.
• Fareth Garrelly is announced as the new manager of Bohemian FC. In his
opening press conference, he announces that he blames the lack of real
wood on Bohs bad run of form. He explains that ‘touch wood’ means
nothing when you’re rapping your knuckles off some Argos mdf. He is
immediately sacked.
• Taking their cue from Dream Team, the High Command announce that Bohs
fans will be allowed apply for the vacant managers job.
• Alan Matthews, with his CV, takes Longford to Dalymount for the much
anticipated Bottom of the Table clash of the not-so-Titans. Paddy Murray
is in temporary command of Bohs and all goes well until the twentieth
minute when he walks over to the shop to take his position. Jimmy
O’Connor takes over and Bohs race into a 2-0 lead. The Bohs Babes take
over for the second half. Surprisingly, Bohs run out 4-0 winners with
many fans, Bohs Til I Die and BOHEMIANBOB included, saying it was the
finest Bohemian performance ever seen. Smelling salts are passed around
at such comments.
• Shelbourne’s financial woes continue as Ollie Byrne is spotted playing
oileann pipes in Dalymount Lane after the game.
• Four Bohemian fans are contacted by the National Accident Helpline
with a view to filming a new ad about stress compensation.
• Bohs programme committee lashed for not including a picture of Glenda
Gilson in any of it’s publications. In future, Ms Gilson must appear in
every second programme, for whatever reason. Naked is not an option.
• Sky News are first to let the world know that Glen Crowe is returning
to Bohs. Skittles is on hand, at the gates of Castle Greyskull to carry
the wee scamp on his shoulders all the way back up to Dalymount.
• Felim, Gerry and the rest of Il Mafioso get ready to slaughter the
fatted Caffo in his honour.
• gypsiesweb is clogged up for two hours following the news of Crowe.
BOHEMIANBOB is enraged that he can’t log on to rant.
• Skittles collapses outside Fagan’s, letting Crowe fall to the ground.
The resulting tremor measures 5.4 on the Richter scale. Luckily, Bohs
Til I Die is on hand with his trusty backpack, which is revealed to
carry medical supplies.
• Mark Leech auctions off his fancy pants
• Shels play host to Bohs in the League Cup semi final in Tolka. The
Shels supporters have been allowed stay up late by their parents so they
can see the second half. With Paul Duffy in command, Bohs race into a
3-0 lead courtesy of a Crowe hat-trick. Duffy protests to dandy referee
Alan Kelly that the usage of hurley’s and sniper rifles by Shelbourne is
simply not allowed. During the heated exchange, a framed photo by Kelly
and Ollie hugging each other falls out of his pocket. Duffy is furious
and insists he rings Chuck Norris who is always on hand to give advice.
Kelly relents. Bohs cruise into the League Cup final courtesy of a 6-0
scoreline, three of the goals being scored by Kelly himself.
• Sean Cooney saves another penalty in Finn Harps tour of China.
• Andorey Developments announce that the initial payment to Bohemians
will happen any day now.
• Zinedine Zidane hired as new head of security in Dalymount Lane.
• Stephen Kenny gives a surprisingly coherent TV interview.
• Roddy Collins releases his debut album, Roddy’s Toddy, on K-Tel.
• Atlanta Falcons express their desire to use Rovers new stadium in
Tallaght.
• Shels announce plans to build their new stadium on the Hill of Tara,
their ancestral home. John Delaney personally drives the first bulldozer
there. Loads of hippies protest. The new move is a tie in with a new
deal with Shell following the collapse of the proposed deal with Sligo
Rovers, which included a new stadium in Rossport. One of the main
conditions of the new sponsorship is that they change their name to
Shellbourne.
• Meeting Felim for a pint, Gareth Farrelly’s dad tells him that he was
only taking the piss when he suggested that his son should be the new
Bohs manager. Felim is perplexed at how they got caught out twice,
especially after he was the one who announced the vacancy to Joe McGrath
in 1998.
• In a shocking discovery, it is found that the Bohs souvenir shop and
security hut is actually a dormant Transformer, Bohsatron.
• MB regular Deco holds a press conference to announce that he is not
the Portuguese player of the same name.
• Drogheda United put in a bid for Leo Burdocks.
• A public holiday in Monaghan is announced as their embattled football
team actually win a game. Big Tom puts on a free gig in honour of this
memorable achievement.
• Dermot Gavin expresses an interest in Rovers as a rare weed has been
found in Tallaght.
• Rare weed also found in Waterford, explaining why people actually go
to the games.
• Damien Richardson says something interesting. Cryptologists spend
weeks scanning ancient texts to find a reference point.
• Mad Tom announces he may sign for DART United.
• The Corner Flag Union of Ireland (Louth Division) place a fatwa on
Tony Grant's head.
• Sven Goran Erikkson takes over Shells following Pat Fenlon’s mystery
disappearance. Champagne is opened in Dalymount.
• A statue is erected to the best penalty taker ever, Barry
• Gareth Farrelly applies for a job managing Greenland. Seven Bohemian
members pay for his ticket.
• A joint managerial team of Bohs Til I Die, Chippie, Spiderman, Deco,
and Dissenter lead out Bohs for their first game, against Bray
Wanderers. New signing Ciaran Whelan has to be gently reminded to shoot
into the net, not over it. Taking up where he left off, Glen Crowe
finishes his burger and slots home Bohs opener. A fight breaks out among
the management team over who should be substituted. In the end, Stephen
Rice makes way for Niall Quinn. Bohs win 1-0.
• Matty Forde scores a hat trick for Kilkenny. The game, or opposition,
is never recorded because no one cares.
• Jockey Paul O’Neill is arrested for head-butting Bobby Ryan. He
protests his innocence, claiming he was convinced that Ryan was a horse.
• Tony Fenton applies to become Bohs new stadium announcer. He is chased
up Dalymount Lane by Paul Duffy.
• The long awaited clash between Bohemians and Shellbourne arrives.
Zidane, fresh from his suspension, lines out for Bohs but is devastated
to find that Alan Reynolds has left the club as he was looking forward
to dishing out revenge. Despite Ollie’s protests, Sven Goran Eriksson
invites the wives and girlfriends along. Jason Byrne breaks out into
tears as he realises his bird will bear the full brunt of the Bohemian
faithful chanting. In actual fact, she is applying for a job in
Burdock’s. Crowe opens the account, vaulting the advertising hoarding,
running up the steps of the Jodi and moons to Ollie. Ollie makes an
attempt to hit Crowe, but, wily as ever, Des Byrne has his eye on
proceedings and runs to to deck Ollie. The Shellbourne fans run home to
their mammies. On the field, Bohs complete a commendable 7-0 rout.
• Dermot Keely takes up a job managing Iceland. His application for
Tesco got turned down.
• Ronan Seery can be seen getting very chummy with Felim. He denies he’s
looking for a job, but is ultimately made kit man, courtesy of Bohs Til
I Die’s intervention.
• Kathryn Thomas wins celebrity You’re a Star, beating a devastated
Roddy Collins in the final. She claims her short skirt had nothing to do
with it. Prof Gartlan denies using 356 phones to register votes in
return for her buying his car. He will also refuse to swim through a sea
of shite to…. Well, you know the rest.
• Halt-Time-Raffffflllle Joe wins the half-time raffle.
• To commemorate the historical decision to allow soccer back into Croke
Park for the first time since Bohs graced the turf over a century ago,
the GAA and FAI reach an agreement to stage the Bohs – Shamrock Rovers
tie there. It is a thrilling game in front of 3,016 fans with Bohs
winning 3-14 to 2-16 after four overs and a birdie in the final set.
Bohs fans invade the pitch as Kevin Hunt hollers the customary three
cheers for the winning team. Rovers attempt to mount an assault but
retreat when pat Scully’s best jacket is stolen. He is enraged, claiming
it is his only jacket and he can’t appear on eircom league weekly
anymore.
• Big Tom sues Mad Tom for use of the name Tom.
• Dotsy releases the National Accident Helpline ads on DVD and Special
Edition: Directors Cut DVD. The official launch in the Phoenix Bar is
attended by the Bohs team and management, Glenda Gilson, Gavin Lambe-Murphy
and Mad Tom. Big Tom refuses to launch the DVD so Philo is required to
source an unheard of band for the event. The Special Edition DVD sells
like hot-cakes as many fans are interested in the out-takes and the
trailer for the forthcoming Season 2006 Review.
• Zidane catches a train to Waterford. He is determined to catch up with
Alan Reynolds.
• Brendan Place calls the police after successive calls from Mad Tom
wanting to be his new friend
To be continued...
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