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July 2007
• Jason McGuinness announces he is quitting football to become a
fireman. A rough fireman who punches and head-butts windows and doors in
an effort to rescue other peoples girlfriends. His aim is to rid the
world of fire-starters so beware, Gareth Farrelly.
• Roddy Collins, Johnny McDonnell, Dermot Keely, Paul Doolin, Jason
Byrne, Barry Lenihan, Sean Connor, Mick Wallace, Brendan Rea and Mick
Lally enter the Big Brother House to much acclaim and hysteria. The BB
House is actually a rented apartment on the Phibsboro Road and the
effort of fitting eleven men into the cramped conditions guarantees
record viewers for the show which is aired in a primetime slot on Bohs
TV, after Eastenders.
• Turlough O'Connor enters a Gene Pitney lookalike competition.
• The infamous all-black Bohs gear is put up on e-bay but attracts only
one viewing, that of someone looking for the real All-Black gear.
• Following meeting after meeting, petrol bombs, banners aplenty and
angry words, South Dublin County Council finalises it's plans for the
troublesome Tallaght Stadium debacle; they announce they are going to
use the as yet incomplete arena as a theme park for dinosaurs.
• Damien Richardson is sentenced to 23 days in Mountjoy for crimes
against the spoken word. On hearing of his sentence, he bursts into
tears, claiming he is terrified of being “rhidden rhock scholid” in the
‘Joy.
• Pat Fenlon approached by Malahide United u-12's to see if he can
recommend anyone for management.
• Family Guy is forced off the air thanks to a court order form Dotsy
who is pissed off at various lookalike jokes on the web.
• Having successfully completed their first task, baking a nice cake,
Big Brother, voiced by Lar Rogan, tells the houseguests that he is
allowing a woman enter the house for their pleasure and because they
haven't had a fight yet. There are whoops of joy at the news.
• Big brother introduces Sonia O'Sullivan into the house. Paul Doolin
goes apeshit and threatens to escape but a shrill shot from the
Dalymount Sniper puts paid to any escape attempt.
• John Delaney selected to be host of the new Krypton Factor show
• Kevin Hunt reveals his only weakness is Kryptonite
• Chuck Norris, managing the new crèche at Dalymount, announces he eats
Kryptonite for breakfast.
• Brian and Barry Murphy star in new cop show on BohsTV, Murphy &
Murphy. In the first episode they investigate the disappearance of
Dublin City FC.
• Alan Matthews and Dermot Keely meet up with Sam Neill to see if he can
give any pointers on how their clubs can avoid extinction. He suggests
cloning.
• O'Neill's appear before The Hague for crimes against jersey
manufacturing.
• Yummy Mummy Miriam O'Callaghan reveals, on Prime Time, that O'Neill's
chief kit designer is a spotty transition year tech drawing student.
• In the BB house, Jason Byrne loses his rag when he wakes up beside
Sonia O'Sullivan and calls Mick Wallace a “hippy tree-swinging c**t.”
There is consternation. Joe Duffy and Pat Kenny air the concerns and
disgust of hundreds of housewives, wasters, the unemployed and jailed
criminals.
• Turlough O'Connor comes second in a Turlough O'Connor lookalike
competition, but wins the Gene Pitney lookalike competition.
• The makers of FIFA '08 receive a request to include Barry Lenehan's
half time penos with the eircom league section.
• Alan Kelly spends hours and many sleepless nights in the offices of
FIFA '08 until he is satisfied with the reproduction of his hair on
screen.
• Pat Dolan requests that he be slimmed down but the EA Sports crew say
they can't work miracles.
• Despite attracting a paltry attendance of 1,053 for the much
anticipated league game vs Bray Wanderers, 983 for the visit of Derry
and a grand total of 23 for the Cork City League Cup game, Dalymount
Park is packed to capacity for the visits of Wolves and Sunderland.
Acknowledging the visits of the mighty powers Bohemians offer up the
home dressing room to the visitors, agree to take cold showers and to
supply a bevy of beauties for the big stars to relax with. When
complaints are made that the tea is a bit watery the board offers their
resignation on the spot and hands over the running of the club to more
illustrious FA in England. Running out to a capacity crowd all screaming
for their idols, Wolves, Bohs are unnerved and offer the Great Wolves a
two-goal lead. Despite winning the toss three times, Bohs gracefully
offer to go again until the mighty behometh that is Wolves finally win.
Scattered through the ground, Bohs fans are grateful to be in the same
company as real football fans who wear their British jerseys with pride,
kissing crests and claiming how they've supported Wolves since “at least
'04.”
Commenting on how inferior Dalymount looks to Molineux, scores of Bohs
fans take notes and present their suggestions to Paul Duffy to read out
at half time. He reads all but one, claiming he will not “tell Wolves to
go fuck themselves.”
Despite trailing 2-0 at half time thanks to the pre-organised cushion
presented by Bohemians, Wolves fans are shocked and stunned that Jason
McGuinness has comfortably dealt with all high balls into the area and
that Brian Murphy has been outstanding. They are shocked and confused;
surely a ‘keeper playing for an Irish team can't be any good? Their
confusion abounds in the second half and Bohs take full advantage, with
Crowe scoring twice to give Bohs a share of the spoils. There is a
stunned silence at full time. How could an Irish team score, let alone
draw, with an English team? Paul Hyland and John Giles have a field day
in the Herald, with Hyland claiming “Wolves were dragged down to Bohs
prehistoric level of playing on a pitch that, despite being perfectly
flat and manicured, must have had something wrong with it.”
They agree that it was a blip in the greater scheme of things and that
Premiership side Sunderland will put things right.
• Real fans breathe a sigh of relief as normal service resumes and Bohs
take the field in a vital league game against the annoying, obnoxious
students who just really shouldn't be in the league.
• Roy Keane is paraded through the streets of Phibsboro on a sedan and
he gracefully waves to his minions gathered along the Phibsborough Road.
Not since John F Kennedy graced the shadow of Dalymount has Dublin seen
such a turnout. Young kids fling programmes at him and grown, oversize,
beer stained experts offer their lives for the Keane cause. It is truly
an emotional day for football lovers everywhere and Marty Whelan and
Grainne Seoige cover the event live for RTE. In the Jodi Stand for the
game that evening are such luminaries as Kathryn Thomas, Glenda Gilson,
Kathy French, Brian O'Driscoll, Bono, Larry Mullen Jnr. and Omero Mumba.
“I've always been a Sunland fan!” Omero Mumba beams when quizzed by the
Herald. “Indeed, when I was a young boy living in the shadow of the
seven towers of desperation, insolence and poverty in Dublin, I
supported Sundayland all the way,” Bono adds. “I remember the great
teams, the great names, the great days and myself and The Edge went to
see them one Christmas when they brought their carnival to the RDS, as
they indeed still do, mister.” Raising his eyes to heaven, Larry tells
Bono to “shut the fuck up you gimp.”
“I haven't a clue what's going on!” Glenda Gilson chimes as she raises
her eyebrows, “all I know is that bitch Kathy French is here, so I must
be here.”
“I'm looking forward to a Ice-cream Sundaeland win, by about 20 points,
with a few conversions and tries thrown in!” George Hook cackles before
heading to the bar to ride Brent Pope. At the further end of the bar, a
group of regular MB user wonder will Kathy French pose on a table for
them.
The games degenerates into a big social occasion and very soon guests
are all over the pitch, laughing and joking as they tell everyone how
important they are. Chris De Burgh insists on wrestling the microphone
from Paul Duffy and giving everyone a few bars of 'Keano in red'. Keane
holds court in the Phoenix Bar as grown men tearfully queue up to visit
his grotto.
When the madness subsides a suggestion is made to dig up sods of
Dalymount turf and sell them to Man U fans everywhere because Roy Keane
actually walked on them.
• HillBohs opens a STI clinic under the Jodi Stand, where the souvenir
shop used to be. Fat birds aplenty queue up.
• Pat Fenlon eats white dog shit.
• Bohemians hold a gala dinner for past greats in the Phoenix Bar. For
Gala read moderate and for Dinner read tangy cheese Doritos. It is a
chance for former greats who strode the Dalymount turf to renew old
friendships and also bask in the glory of the many fans who attend.
Arriving in a blacked-out limo, Derek Swan, Dave Henderson and Shaun
Maher arrive to the incessant flash of cameras. Unbeknown to everyone
present, Gareth Farrelly has started a fire outside the away dressing
room and manages to gain entry with Vinny Arkins and Jimmy Aggrey.
Stephen O'Brien keeps sketch.
• The Polish community express their disgust are they continue to be
used on the MB without any consultation or financial reward.
• The Big Brother household descends into anarchy as a major fight
erupts and spills out onto the streets of Phibsborough. Gareth Farrelly
is waiting in the wings in case any fires should be started.
To be continued…
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