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July 2006
Old Mad Tom is an old mad man lately. What with the angst on the pitch
and in the stands, he has found it difficult to dream up what may happen
in the month ahead. However, dream up he did when the dark mists of
Dalymount subsided. Here is his latest opus.
(All visions guaranteed correct at time of going to press
1)
July: Named after that god-awful, screechy Mundy song. Jesus spare us...
• Chuck Norris, despite complaints, WILL take over the club in July. Mad
Tom admits he was a tad pisse… clouded when he predicted this last
month. He will usher in a new era of harmony, peace and destruction on
the pitch. His first action will be to drop-kick Stephen O’Brien and
Matt Gregg out of Dalyer. When they confront him over money due, he
stares at them until they break down and cry. No more money talk is
heard.
• At his first press conference, Norris waives away the offer of tea and
instead pours himself a pint of petrol. Sitting, with Gerry Conway and
Felim O’Reilly literally shitting themselves either side of him, he
announces his Zero Tolerance policy. He says he will not employ a
goalkeeper because he doesn’t believe in them. Any team that needs a
goalkeeper is a “faggoty team,” he declares. Instead he will enforce the
extra man up front. He continues by saying that he has just finished
building the new striker, the THX-1178-GoalPoacher 3000. “It won’t let
you down,” he growls, scattering the media and remaining board members.
• Chuck Norris announces The Hoff and Tord Grip as new backroom staff.
• Dean Stockwell is named as the man to play Brian Kerr in the new
multi-million dollar biopic, ‘It’s not my fault,’ a heartfelt story on
the sorry former Ireland manager. He is also signed up to film the
sequel, ‘You’se are all a shower of bastards!
Straight to TV3 at 9.00pm on a Tuesday beckons.
• Prof Gartlan’s new fridge takes on a life of it’s own and refuses to
obey his commands. The Prof is exasperated when he can’t get a beer
because the fridge tells him it’s bad for him. Attempts to unplug the
dastardly freezing machine prove unsuccessful.
• Monaghan United invite Bohs for a friendly. Chuck Norris doesn’t do
friendlies.
• Chuck decides to do away with the all-black kit, calling it a “faggoty
travesty”. He puts his number two, The Hoff, in charge of kit design.
• The new Bohs kit is officially unveiled at the Derry City game.
Wearing nothing else but red trunks, and carrying a life buoy, Bohs run,
very slowly, onto the field. The Hoff is as proud as punch. He also
claims to be changing the team bus to an all-black, sportier affair with
a red beam that shoots back and forth across the front. He needs to work
on the effeminate voice for the bus, though.
• In the first match of the new Norris reign, Bohs score three goals in
the first three minutes courtesy of the new THX-1178-GoalPoacher 3000,
or Swanny as he is affectionately known. Referee Alan Kelly consults
Chuck Norris on each decision. Bohs win comfortably 4-0. Stephen Kenny
is exasperated. Chuck Norris pacifies him by buying four pounds of
sausages and a pork chop. He then asks for his money back. He gets it
back.
• Irked by the THX-1178-GoalPoacher 3000, Vinny Arkins announces his
retirement and returns to the crypt. Tony Grant sits down at the corner
flag in protest.
• Stephen Ward is exasperated. “Jesus, will I EVER get to play
striker?!?!” he says.
• Dermot Keely takes a Hack’s for that rasping throat of his.
• Bohs awarded the League Cup at the quarter-final stage because Chuck
Norris asked the FAI to do so. It is no more than Bohemians deserve.
• Because he was out on the piss, Dessie Byrne pukes on the pitch in the
middle of the game. He then proceeds to start on himself.
• Roddy Collins challenges Chuck Norris to a fight in the Dalymount car
park. Norris says he doesn’t do “faggoty fights.”
• Drogheda United announce that they have put in a bid for Ronaldhino,
much to Shelbourne’s annoyance, as they were ‘interested’ in him.
• Pat Scully announces he’s splitting up from Paul Osam, as their TV
marriage just isn’t working anymore. He doesn’t like the look of Paddy
Mulligan anyhow.
• Paddy Mulligan turns up to the eircom league studios pissed. No one
cops on until the show is in full flight and Paul Osam is going off on
another monotonous spiel.
“Ah will you ever shut the f*&% up, you boring old bastard!” Mulligan
will shout, much to the surprise of Trevor Welch who tries to keep
things going. Mulligan then throws away his mic, picks up a chair and
throws it at Osam who continues to talk. The chair hits Osam full on in
the testicles. He is doubtful for all future eircom league weeklies.
• Niall Quinn announces himself as the new saviour for Irish soccer and
promises to give his all on the committee of the new league structure.
He also promises to build the new Mater and Children’s Hospital with his
bare hands and provide an underground tunnel from Dalyer/Diswellstown
direct to the Cardiac Unit should Bohs give anyone the customary
heart-stopping moment.
• Still living in St Peter’s Church, Gareth Farrelly challenges Chuck
Norris to a pray-off. Norris responds, saying he doesn’t do “faggoty
pray-off’s.”
• Ollie Byrne rings up Chuck Norris and invites him round for tea.
Norris accepts, loading his Uzi.
• When he drives his tank through the gates of Tolka Park, Chuck is
personally met by Ollie Byrne. Nutsy is jealous of Ollie’s new hero.
Ollie proceeds to show an unimpressed Chuck Norris around Tolka before
inviting him into his private office for cream cakes. Norris tells Ollie
he doesn’t do “faggoty cream cakes.” Ollie then opens his wallet and
proceeds to let piles of notes fall out, urging Chuck to pick them up.
Norris gets angry and, in an army squat, proceeds to fire his Uzi at
Ollie who wobbles out of the office. A terrified Pat Fenlon is cowering
in the corner. Chuck picks him up and puts him in his pocket.
• Alan Matthews spotted hovering outside Dalymount. He is duly
dispatched with a single shot.
• Fat Dolan, enraged at not having got the Bohs job, challenges Norris
to an eat-off. Norris replies that he doesn’t do “faggoty eat-offs.”
• Bohs, or rather the THX-1178-GoalPoacher 3000, take the field against
St Pat’s. Norris is confident he won’t need any other players. No-one
notices and Mark O’Brien is delighted, telling the rest of the squad now
they know how he feels. No-one takes any notice of him. The
controversial 0-0-1 formation works astoundingly well as Bohs sail into
a 6-0 lead. In his innocence, Paul Tuite awards a penalty to Pat’s. He
will never be seen again.
• Michael McDowell is appointed Director of Youth Team Affairs.
• Mary Harney is the new fatness, sorry, fitness coach.
• Pat Dolan gets a starring role as Superman’s dad, Jor El, in the new
Superman movie. He takes over from where Marlon Brando left off.
• Dublin City and UCD call their games off against Bohs, citing fear of
Chuck Norris. Bohs are awarded a 3-0 walkover in each game.
• Hearing that Hollywood are to make a new Batman film, all the Bohemian
members nominate Farrelly for the role as The Joker.
• The Hoff goes scouting at a Shamrock Rovers game to prepare for the
upcoming Evil v Good Cup clash. He stands out in the crowd wearing only
his afro and red lifeguard shorts, and is chased up Richmond Road.
Fatally, he runs in slow motion, meaning the Rovers fans catch up with
him after a brief stroll.
• While having a dump in Dalyer, Chuck Norris realises there is no
toilet paper. He lets out a primeval howl that darkens the skies and has
the clergy citing the end of days. Thousands book trips to Knock, Mecca,
the Holy Land and Diswellstown fearing the end of the world is nigh.
However, Chuck remembers that Pat Fenlon is in his pocket and uses him
to wipe his arse instead.
• Bohs awarded an extra 20 points in the eircom league table because
Chuck Norris asked the FAI to do so. It is no more than Bohs deserve.
• That annoying bastard in the Cillit Bang ad is hired as the new PA
announcer when Paul Duffy takes a well earned sabbatical to Tonga.
• Prof Gartlan tries to grab a non-alcoholic beer from his fridge one
night only for the fridge to refuse to open.
“What are you doing, Professor?”
“I want a beer.”
“I can’t do that, professor…” and so on so forth.
• A crisis meeting is called due to the lack of recent talent in
B-Stands Babes.
• Pat Scully is third in line for the Santa’s helper interviews in
Arnott’s. Pat Fenlon would normally be first, but he hasn’t been seen
since Chuck Norris flushed the toilet.
• On hearing about Bohs recent form, the luscious Kirsty Gallagher
contacts Gerry Cuffe with a view to filming a special Kirsty’s Home
Videos in Dalymount. She is redirected to Dotsy, who agrees to meet her
in his palace in the Connaught Street Stand. He adds that the weather
will be very warm on the day she is travelling over, so he advises her
to wear very little. He requests Lisa Burke accompany her, just to keep
an eye on the weather. 4,951 Bohemian fans all sign up to be extras.
• As the war intensifies in Iraq, the US Government call on Chuck Norris
to sort it out. He calls a meeting to declare he is stepping down from
his lucrative Dalymount post to help save the starving innocents of
Iraq. Despite please, he insists he must go and deal with the “faggoty
Iraqis.” He leaves Tord Grip in charge.
• Tord Grip is found hanging upside down from the Jodi Stand.
• Following a few pints one night, a Bohs fan suddenly remembers that
Gary Howlett used to be the assistant manager.
• Dissenter finally relents and gets rid of Farrelly’s smug mug on his
message board signature.
• High winds at the end of the month will most definitely shake the
barley.
• Pete Mahon says Chuck Norris has done well with “my players.”
• Bohs are managerless again but Fat Dolan, in his Superman cape, Niall
Quinn, John Delaney, Ollie Byrne and one Fareth Garrelly apply for the
position. Stephen Kenny abstains as he has a lot of sausages to make.
To be continued...
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