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June 2007
June – Will always be remembered as the month in which Roddy Collin’s
Democratic Chancers Party swept to power, forming a coalition with
Jackie Healy-Rae and Tony ‘Story?’ Gregory.
• Fianna Fail, Fine Gael, the PD, etc blame Dissenter for helping to get
Roddy Collin’s Democratic Chancers Party into power, claiming his
conduction of numerous polls a week before the election pissed off the
electorate. Interviewed on John Craven’s Newsround, Collins admits he
was surprised by the result but intends to make Ireland a “real nation
of chancers.” Taxi and white van drivers, alongside tradesmen, rub their
hands with glee.
• Collins’ first act as Taoiseach is to employ Paddy the Plasterer on
his payroll and give him the much-sought Financial portfolio.
• Having spent much of May swinging from building to building to promote
his new movie, Spiderman cuts back on his promo work.
• Sean Connor races home from the Bad Trousers Convention when he hears
that police are at his home and trying to take away his Yorkshire
Terrier.
• Pat Fenlon spotted hanging around Dalymount with what looks like a CV
in an envelope addressed to Owen Heary.
• Speaking to 'el weekly', Pat Scully commends the recent good run of
Rovers’ results to hard work and the fact they managed to take most of
the taxi drivers off the road for 90 minutes. However, in response, fans
criticise the board for the move claiming that they couldn’t watch the
game probably due to cab drivers continually chatting to them about
everything and the pungent smell of BO.
• 20,000 leagues under the sea, Dermot Keely calls his Shelbourne
rejects in for a heart-to-heart about the season so far. Sitting perched
on Ollie’s old throne, glasses naturally crooked on his unshaven face,
he outlines his expectations from each player for the rest of the
season, giving special mention to Tony O’Dowd, whom Keely wants to stop
acting the prick. He knows he’s talking to a lost cause though.
• Setanta Ireland is besieged by irate soccer fans complaining about the
flirting carried out between Felix Healy and Curtis Fleming during
coverage of the Bohs-Pats game.
• Harpal Singh, Mark O’Brien and Elvis spotted having dinner in Luigi
Malone’s. By the time the paparazzi arrive, they have vanished in a puff
of smoke.
• Away to Sligo Rovers, Sean Connor becomes distracted by the statue of
him unveiled by Aine Chambers on Ben Bulben, thus making him late for
that all-important motivational team-talk and the latest pointed-finger
photoshoot. Lacking direction and the wily wisdom of Connor, Bohs draw
0-0. Dissenter draws up a poll, asking is Connor relevant to this
country in 2007.
• Liam Burns wins the Least Discussed Bohemian Player Award.
• In a challenging act of motivation, Sean Connor plasters that freaky
pic of him that appeared in The Title all over the walls of Dalymount.
• Sean Connor questioned by Gardaí in relation to frightening certain
players. Dalymount Cat takes training.
• Dissenter enters Poll Rehab to try and cure his obsession with
conducting polls.
• Spiderman nominated for a BAFTA for his work on ‘Dalyer’.
• Kevin Hunt reveals in a tear-jerking interview that the virus he is
suffering from evolved when he was attempting to find a cure or Ebola.
“I had to abandon my research,” he sobs, “but I’m on the way to health.”
His story is to be made into a Tuesday night TV3 movie, “Who will love
my virus-ridden husband and my two kids now that I’ve moved to C-List?”
• Taking their cue from the much-discussed Dutch Big Brother, three
members of Bohs offer whatever parts of their body Kevin Hunt needs to
return to full health.
• Owen Heary and Pat Fenlon arrested in Phoenix Park.
• Taking full advantage of the two-week break, Bohemians take off on
various individual projects. Brian Murphy signs photographs at the
Telford George & Mildred convention; Owen Heary heads of to Ipsos with
an unidentified dwarf; Dessie Byrne joins the Dali Lama in Tibet for
some meditation; Jason McGuinness begins shooting Ulysses starring
George Clooney and Mary McEvoy; Liam Burns does something but no-one
notices, Joxer spends two weeks in ALSAA weight-training; Conor Powell
sets about removing all the Dessie Byrne no 3 shirts from existence;
Dean Pooley and Mark Rossiter knock door-to-door to let people know who
they are; Thomas Heary tries to find out who left the filthy voice
mails, meant from Owen, on his phone by accident; Stephen Rice visits
the Uncle Ben factory to record a promotional film for schools; Kevin
Hunt goes around the globe putting right what once went wrong and hoping
that his next leap will be the leap home; Fergal Harkin wanders around
Phibsborough, muttering how he “used to be good.”; Harpal Singh…who?;
Glen Crowe visits his former Shelbourne mates and laughs at them; Neale
Fenn joins a summer soccer school and comes last in the goal-scoring
charts; Darren Manseram records a single of ‘Whoa Black Darren’ for
charity and Sean Connor completes his UEFA A License much to the chagrin
and annoyance of John Delaney who can’t stand the idea that someone
would know more about football than he does.
• Stephen Kenny is Guest of Honour at the Bohs – Waterford game in the
RSC. He is continually asked where his Scottish Cup winners medal is.
The game is uneventful, boring and forgetful. Bohs win 10-0.
• Taking the 20 or so complaints on board, Setanta decide to shake
things up and appoint Pat Fenlon and Gareth Farrelly to introduce and
comment on their live el games. It is a match made in hell as both start
bitching at each other with Fenlon eventally crying and walking out.
Owen Heary is waiting in the wings to comfort him. Farrelly announces he
can’t present the show for the next six weeks because of a ‘niggle’.
• The Bohs board are worried when word leaks out that the construction
work at St Peter’s School is actually a covert spying operation
instigated by Shamrock Rovers. Ripping down the red and black hoarding
at the Des Kelly Stand, Jimmy O’Connor is horrified to discover loads of
taxi drivers.
• Taking a leaf out of Rovers book, albeit grudgingly, Bohs announce a
marketing scheme aimed at Dublin Bus drivers inviting them to attend the
forthcoming game against Rovers in Dalymount.
• Hundreds of Dublin Bus drivers take Bohs up on the free entrance
offer, with three arriving at once, none for half an hour, some arriving
late, etc. Felim is delighted with the result until he’s contacted by a
member of an Garda Siochana complaining that the NCR, Phibsborough Road
and Connaught Street is backed up with parked busses and that the
passengers aren’t impressed.
• Realising the opportunity, An Taoiseach Roddy Collins invades the
pitch and begins handing out leaflets to the numerous taxi and bus
drivers gathered. The leaflet, entitled ‘My 10-point step to being a
better chancer’, is snapped up. Sean Connor is extremely pissed off that
attention has been drawn away form his his funky trousers. At half-time,
an irate fan is extremely upset when he offers old programmes to Fergie
Reid but doesn’t receive immediate cash. A fight erupts and evolves into
a brawl which spills out onto the field. Demonstrating years of training
and knowledge of the hard streets, the Garda sergeant in charge orders a
batter burger with chips while he watches the mayhem ensue. In the
confusion, Roddy Collins is kidnapped and whisked out of Dalymount. Owen
Heary videos the scenes for Pat Fenlon’s benefit. The game itself is
uneventful until Rovers unbelievably score against Brian Murphy who is
being held down by Stephen Price. Despite protests to Alan Kelly, he
claims ignorance of the foul, claiming he was combing his hair at the
time. The Neanderthals in the Connaught Street Stands howl and dance in
unison, forcing stunned Bohs fans to believe a monolith has just
appeared. The half-time raffle is marred when Paul Duffy pulls out Alan
Kelly’s top-prize ticket. Kelly tells Paul he’s going to spend the money
on a new handbag. Sean Connor introduces a new, masked substitute at
half time, who proceeds to score six, set-up seven and batter the shit
out of the whole Rovers team, even those who are on the sidelines. When
Alan Kelly runs over with a yellow card, he receives a swift roundhouse
kick to the bollix. At full time, a terrified Kelly points out Pat
Scully. Storming over to Scully, the mysterious substitute whips off his
mask to reveal crowd-favourite, Chuck Norris. Turning a whiter shade of
pale and his trousers a darker shade of brown, Scully begs forgiveness
for his sins but is picked up and thrown out of the ground with one
swift sleight of Norris’ hand. Norris leaps up the steps and takes the
mike from Lar Rogan, announcing “Roddy Collins is next! Hoo Yeh.”
Norris explains to various kids gathered around that he doesn’t actually
do push-ups, he pushes down the earth.
• Meeting for a jar or two, old muckers Owen Heary, Stuey Byrne, Pat
Fenlon and Alan Reynolds discuss how evil Bohs are and how fantastic
Shels were. They go through old photo albums and laugh and cry, then
laugh some more.
• Scanning the plans of the news Bohs stadium in Harristown, which have
been posted to every club in the league to rub in how rich we are,
Gareth Farrelly notices the treatment room and immediately books himself
in for a course of niggle therapy.
• Flavour of the month Stephen Rice signs boxes of Uncle Ben’s finest in
Easons and poses for pictures with John O’Donnell.
• Speaking to George Hook on Newstalk, Roddy Collins wafts lyrical about
his plans for a better Ireland. Joining them live on-air via satellite
link is Carlton Palmer who comments that the atmospheres of absolute
chancer-ship provided a very claming effect in the Dublin City dressing
room. He then goes onto the roof and boards the mothership.
• Longford Town appear on the Late Late Show to tell the country of
their harrowing plight so far this season. Being as disaster-enhancing
as only Pat can be, he invites questions from the audience, most of whom
ask who the hell the guests are.
• Pat Fenlon is reluctant to accept Owen Heary’s proposal of marriage as
it’s “too soon after Ollie”.
• Shelbourne announce a high profile glamour with Leeds United. The game
will be played in that small park beside Shelbourne and fans will be
charged 150euro for the privilege of seeing the superstars in action.
• Attending Dalymount separately finalising details of their respective
friendly games, Mick McCarthy bumps into Roy Keane in the toilet. The
conversation is scant and tense but Jimmy O’Connor diffuses any tension
by offering both a cup of tea and some refreshments. Keane is aghast
that McCarthy got a Kit Kat while he only got offered a Twix. He flies
into a rage and the innocent Tommy Allen is struck in the arm by the
flying Twix as he hangs around the bar smoking and looking like Zorro.
To be continued…
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