Old Mad Tom's Almanac

June 2006

June: Named after that bird that led me on in McGrath’s ten years only to scupper my hopes at the final hurdle. Bitch.

• Dark times lie ahead for Bohemian FC.

Following an embarrassing 3-0 reversal to Drogheda United at the start of June, Gareth Farrelly is chased from Drogheda until he falters up Dalymount Lane, eventually seeking refuge in St Peter’s Church. Thousands upon thousands of angry Bohs surround the gothic landmark with burning torches and pitchforks and refuse to leave until they are satisfied that Farrelly has been locked in and cannot get out. A new manager is demanded by some, while others are satisfied to leave him where he is for another while. Civil war ensues and Bohemian fans break up into two factions; Bohs Section A - E (to row 6) and Bohs Sections E (from Row 7) - G (inc. The Shed). Bohs Section A – E (to Row 6) adopt a red and black flag as their standard; the rival faction adopt a black and red flag. Even Mad Tom is confused.

• Ollie Byrne’s Death Star hovers threateningly over Dalymount ever since the meek surrender in Tolka. Financed and part-built by Delaney Developments, it is powered by the negative vibes of all Bohs fans. Ollie reckons it has enough energy to keep it going for another millennia. Despite attempts to kick footballs up at it and hit it with the big flags, it cannot be reached. No one can agree as to who rightfully owns the ladders.

• In an attempt to lift the gloom around Dalymount and to take people’s minds off that bloody Death Star, the programme committee announce that they are recruiting some celebrities to edit the forthcoming match programmes for Cork and Sligo home games. Their identities are being kept top secret.

• Utilising the break for the World Cup, the Board gets busy finding a successor for Farrelly, hoping also that a hefty pay off from the recently received 2million euro will pacify the pro-Farrelly brigade. Interestingly, the once-hailed Gaffer is now on his third day of hunger striking in St Peter’s. Jimmy O’Connor swears he can hear haunting organ music rising form the vaults far below the church. Fiachra swears it’s because he left the telly on in the bar.

• To get away from the poisonous atmosphere surrounding Dalymount (Ollie had a curry the night before), a few hundred Bohs fans make the trip to Germany to support Trinidad and Tobago in the World Cup. A special Ryanair jet is charted, costing only loose change out of the 25 million. The fact that the plane lands in Denmark and a specially chartered coach is awaiting the plucky few fails to dampen the high spirits. The game against England on the 15^th June has become the Bohs-Shels of the trip. The irony that Avery John now plays for New England Revolution is lost on the travelling Bohs as they continually sample the potent German brew.

• Wearing a fake moustache and glasses, Roddy Collins drops his CV into Dalymount.

• Before he is placed in cold storage until the next Bohs-Shels game, Alan Reynolds takes delivery of a spanking new armoured car, heeding warnings about the future of his car windows.

• Stephen O’Brien enrols on a ‘How to appear taller between the sticks’ FAS course. On day one he gives his tutor the finger. Not in a sexual way, mind you.

• Dermot Keely takes his Dublin City charges on an open top bus tour of Dublin in an effort to drum up more support. Most innocent bystanders think that it is the cast of Fair City on some promo shoot and stand idly by and applaud politely.

• Monaghan United take out an injunction against Galway United preventing them from dishing out any more hammerings.

• Dressed as a woman, Stephen Kenny drops his CV into Dalymount.

• Felix Healy is approached to play the role of Magnum PI in a new movie of the same name. Director Dotsy says that Felix has the best example of a preened moustache he has ever seen. Contract negotiations hit a wall when Healy insists on wearing his coveted Aran sweater in at least seven scenes.

 • Just as Bohs fans thought things couldn’t any worse, Ollie Byrne announces that a deal has been struck between Shelbourne and Shifty Developers Ltd. to build a new stadium for Shels. In a deal that puts Bohs recent announcement in the ha’penny place, Shifty will provide Shelbourne with a spanking, brand-new 25,000 seater stadium in turncoat condition on Bull Island. Incorporated into the stadium will be a bar, crèche, chapel and a magical chocolate factory.

• Dressed as a football manager, Pete Mahon drops his CV into Dalymount. Then he spits at the Dalymount Cat. Who in turn scrapes Mahons eyes out.

• Angered ‘auld ‘wans gather outside St Peter’s Church protesting that they can’t get into 5.30am mass because of Farrelly’s exile. Grabbing whatever ammunition they can, they begin smashing down the door. However, they are gob smacked when a shrill, green blast from the Death Star blows the door away. Waving canes and zimmerframes, they charge through the doors.

• Owing to his red mane and tanned features, Vinny Arkins is approached to become the new face of Ronseal.

• Dressed as a messiah, Joe McGrath haka’s into Dalymount, to drop in his CV. Lynn frogmarches him back out.

• An EGM is called in Dalymount Park between the board, members and Bohs Section A –  E (to Row 6) and Bohs Sections E (from Row 7) - G (inc. The Shed) regarding the appointment of a new manager, or the re-installation of Farrelly. An agreement is eventually thrashed out which will see a new face in the managerial hotseat. All applications have been reviewed and binned but the Board are confident of attracting a secret, fresh new face to the eircom league in time for the Derry City game. In the interim, Bryan McFadden has been put in charge of team affairs. For the first time in eons, Bohemian fans are united as they collectively bury their heads in their hands in dread and fear.

• In an effort to cheer up the faithful it is announced that Podge and Rodge favourite and Sligo Rovers fan Aine Chambers is dropping into Dalyer for some pre, mid and post match entertainment. No one signs up.

• Finding he is fifth in the post office queue, Alan Reynolds elbows those in front of him in the head. Three chief inspectors, four soldiers and a New York subway Guardian Angel turn a blind eye.

• Vinny Arkins demands a rise because he is jealous of Bryan McFadden.

• Delivering on the promise to bring in some special guests to edit the Bohs programme, Kevin Myers is recruited to cast a smug eye over the programme for the visit of Sligo Rovers. His editorial comment, “The bastardisation of single mothers and their wasters of significant others” causes confusion among the faithful. Most punters lose their way four sentences into the diatribe. Many fans are put off by the traditional centre-page poster, which features Mr Myers in all his glory. The jacks are sealed off due to a vomit overflow. Burdock’s record massive losses. Myers insists on leading the team out onto the field and begins handing out copies of his signed poster. To recoup their losses, Burdock’s plan to fly Pat Dolan in especially for the Cork game. Taking over the half time raffle, he calls all Bohs fans “inbred insufficient insatiable mongrels of this bastardised Dublin regional hell”.

• The collective glare of Bryan McFadden’s and Vinny Arkins’ tans confuse Bohs as Sligo race into a first minute opener. Not oddly enough, McFaddens team are wandering around clueless. Deciding to spark the game into life, Dessie Byrne tackles Aine Chambers from behind.

 • Owing to his red mane and black Bohs jersey, Thomas Heary is approached to become the new face of Duracell.

• Owing to his red mist and nothing else, Dessie Byrne is approached to become the new face of Crimeline.

• Word leaks out that there is a problem returning Alan Reynolds to cold storage. Ollie is forced to encase him in carbonite and hang him in his front room until the next Bohs Shels game. Fenlon is terrified he will die. Ollie tells Nutsy to fuck off.

• Fresh from the editor’s chair of the English Independent, Bono is invited to edit the programme for the Cork City match. In his editor’s notes, he thanks all Bohs fans for their contribution to “end world famine. Without the loyal fans of Club Bohemia, the battle against corporate obstruction and singular oppressive Dadaism cannot be won. Fear the African devil and he will gain power; laugh at the Devil of Starvation and he will flee from thee. Mock not what ye want not to mock not; in the shithouse a shotgun, preying hands hold me down. Tonight at the intermission I, we, you, ye, shall all take out our cellular phones and text STOPHUNGERNOW to Burdocks 53141 and END THIS NOW!! In the name of love, we shall unite and overcome this electrical storm…I implore you all to stop and think…When you are eating your luncheon of thinly-cut, fried potatoes and fish wrapped in batter, think; think about the three African wilder beast who fail to make it to the watering hole; think of the four divine angels who were sent to gather salvation by Abraham in the Garden of Eden and whom therefore implored Christ to think he of the want-nots; think of ye who spent hours queuing in the wind and the rain to spend your hard earned cash on giving us a good life. Thanks a lot, we are so lucky, so faithfully abheld to your gestentenerous obligations of punitive euro notes to help flee the African devil from the African plain……Mister….”

Plans to get Mark O’Neill-Cummins to edit the Derry programme are shelved.

• The elation surrounding the deal Bohs struck with Accolade is put on the back foot when Gerry Cuffe receives a phone call from one Roderick Collins about getting the plastering contract for the new stadium.

• Dressed as the late lamented Gene Pitney, Turlough O’Connor drops his CV into Dalymount.

• Cork City are approached by The George bar regarding sponsorship, following Damien Richardson’s vitriolic comments surrounding Ian Stokes and officialdom in Dublin, claiming that Cork are being “shagged” and “ridden rock solid by people in Dublin.”

• Bryan McFadden signs Peter ‘The Cat’ Bonnetti to replace Stephen O’Brien. Well, it is World Cup year.

• With their arses against the wall, Cork City takes the field against Bohs. Dressed in their new pink, frilly shirts and with The George’s logo emblazoned across the front in buttercup yellow, they strike fear into McFadden who has picked himself in centre midfield, dropping Hunt.

• Racing into a 2-0 lead courtesy of some nimble, ballerina-esque footwork, Cork decides to sit back, inviting Bohs on. Urging his team-mates on, Dessie Byrne calls on Bohs to “batter a poof.” Bryan McFadden disappears under a pile of black-shirted bodies.

• Tony Grant, holding the corner position, receives a deft ball from Section E and scores. 2-1.

• Bruised, battered and crying, McFadden is dragged out of Dalymount. Pat Dolan, sitting in Section A, that’s ALL of Section A, puts him between two loaves of bread and eats him. Problem solved.

• Rumours abound as to Dolan’s presence in Dalymount. Is he the new manager? Or is he just there to recoup Burdock’s losses?

• Following a mazy dribble from JPK, Vinny Arkins awakes from his mid-half nap and slots home Bohs equaliser. Suddenly, things look up.

• With minutes to go, the clouds part and a chorus of angels announce Kevin Hunt’s arrival. Descending, slowly, form Heaven, he eventually lands in the centre of the park. Game on. Hunt, parting the pitch in front, slots home what will become Bohs winner.

• Celebrations are short-lived however when Pat Dolan becomes stuck in Dalymount Lane, trapping hundreds of innocent men, women and children behind him.

• Due to an injury crisis at Shels, Fenlon decides to thaw out Alan Reynolds early. However, he tampers with the wrong cryogenic chamber and gets a shock when Walt Disney saunters into the Shels dressing room.

• A special meeting is called in Dalymount to announce the appointment of the new Bohs manager. Speculation is rife even though Pat Dolan is out of the equation because he is still stuck in Dalymount Lane.

All fans, members, media, etc are ushered out onto the pitch where a lone figure stands, a dark shroud over him. The floodlights are on full beam and glaring down. Tension builds.  Even Farrelly has managed to haul himself up onto the spire of St Peter’s to have a goo.

As the clock strikes 7.45, the Bohsbabes twirl and throw their batons to the tune of ‘Born to be Wild.’ A huge fanfare erupts as Master of Ceremonies Paul Duffy, mic in hand, approaches the shrouded figure. Counting back from ten, he pauses at two, takes one look around the ground and whips off the black cloak. Silence. Then gasps. The new Bohemian FC manager steps forward.

Paul Duffy raises his mic, his hand trembling. “Welcome to the club, Chuck Norris…”

To be continued

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