Old Mad Tom's Almanac

May 2007

Mad Tom has been relishing the recent fine weather and has actually taken his grey anorak off to reveal another grey anorak underneath.

May: named after the common Bohs chant, “Mayday”, a common chant under Gareth Farrelly Reign of Terror (copyright BTID) but now heard when Jason Mc Guinness lines up a deft clearance or when an opposition player, let’s say from Galway, lobs the ball goalwards following a Brian Murphy clearance

• For the first time ever, Joe wins the half-time raaafle.
• Paul Duffy presents Barry with a trophy commemorating the nine teeth he had pulled recently.
• Lar Rogan hires the Count from Sesame Street to be the new voice of the countdown prior to Bohs running onto the pitch. By the time he’s finished the bar is closed.
• Jimmy O’Connor puts his name forward for the forthcoming general election.
• Sean Connor gets a part-time position as fire chief in Phibsboro Fire Station thanks to his trusty pants.
• Bohs host Pete Mahon’s students in with a capacity crowd welcoming the teams onto the field. Being the nuisance and uninteresting side they are, no-one notices that the game has actually kicked off until Darren Quigley runs towards the Connaught Street side, hands in the air. Apparently he scored when he distracted the returning Liam Burns with tales of his thesis. Bohs rally and late strikes from Glen Crowe and Dessie Byrne earns a valuable win. Mahon fumes and bitches on the sidelines, but comments Connor for doing well with “my players.”
• In an interview with Ryan Tubridy, a repentant Ollie Byrne looks back on his life and says his recent health scare has though him the error of his ways. He makes some astonishing admissions, claiming it was he who gave the Spire the go-ahead and bombed Nelson’s Pillar. Other admissions included being on the grassy knoll when JFK was shot, ratting on Eamon Casey, cancelling Star Trek and firing off the fatal shot at Beal na mBlath.
• Bohs announce the signing of Zed from Police Academy as Youth Development Officer.
• Dessie Byrne is nominated as Bohemian’s official envoy at Boris Yeltsin’s funeral. He gives a moving eulogy and praises the former Russian president for keeping Albert and the boys waiting on the runway at Shannon airport. Representing the UEFA Rule Book, Colin Healy wafts incense over the coffin before it is lowered into Chernobyl for cremation.
• Paul Osam is doubtful for ‘eircom League Weekly’.
• Inspector Morse is hired to find out the league is taking a long break in June.
• Interviewed for FHM, Gareth Farrelly says he is enjoying life at Cork City and it is the best rest he had since the Bohs post.
• Pat Fenlon appears on Six One News to explain Derry’s poor run of form. Seven cushions have to be provided before he can be seen over the table.
• Brian Kerr threatens to whinge and moan at the Pat’s players unless they pick themselves up from the Setanta Cup defeat and start winning again
• In a galaxy far far away, Shelbourne’s troubles continue to mount as Groundskeeper Willie announces that the Tolka sandpit will be unplayable for another month. At a press conference in Abrakebra, Gareth Penrose tearfully pleads with the public and FAI to give them a chance and reveals his anger that the good things Shels have done in the recent past, such as paying the gas bill, sweeping the floor, putting clean towels in the toilets and putting Ollie’s throne in a skip are being overlooked. Paul Hyland seizes on the opportunity to pen yet another collection of diatribe and his customary Hylandism’s to criticise Shelbourne’s efforts and blame us, the soccer fans, for global warming and the littering problem on Mount Everest.
• Mount Everest pens a defensive letter to Paul Hyland claiming to know how he got those black circles under his eyes.
• Stephen Kenny rings Gerry Cuffe, laughing “ Hah! I told you so!! Told ‘ya!”
• Hot on the heels of Gerry Adams, Enda Kenny records a greeting wishing “Bohemian Wanderers the very best for the forthcoming GAA season.”
• Running out of players, officials and cats, the Bohemian Match programme prints an interview with one of the Guards on duty at the Longford match.
• Paddy Murray, dressed as a cowboy, runs out on the pitch at half-time, grabs the microphone from Paul Duffy who is singing and announces that “The Diadora merchandise is on me!” He shoots a few rounds into the air, bursting the balloon that is still keeping Jason McGuinness airborne. So many fans flock to the small portacabin that the crowd are at least one-abreast. The home jerseys are snapped up but the most popular items are the Bohs eye-patch, the fireside companion set and the fluffy Bohs jock straps. Paddy gives out a free box of Aspirin with every purchase of the jock straps so punters aren’t embarrassed on the way out.
• Wanting to add some zest into the match programme and recapture the glory days when it was forever ‘Programme of the Year’, the programme committee announce that they are looking for ideas from the lesser mortals, i.e. members. Thousands of ideas flood in, the initial favourites being a return of Terrace View, a gallery showcasing the legendary player artwork of the late nineties, a colouring page, the problem page, an ad for Dotsy and a Spot the Bohemian Cat competition.
• Thinking all their Christmases have come together, the faithful crank up the volume as Gareth Farrelly runs onto the pitch in the pre-match warm-up prior to the Cork City game. He warmly applauds the fans before being chased half way around the pitch by Philo, waving his red jacket above his head lasso style.
• In an effort to boost midweek bar income a random female fan is selected to be a contestant on a blind date contest, the three male entrants being players. The first contest is a huge success as Lar Rogan surmises the qualities of the three gentlemen on offer before the unnamed fan chooses number 1. Guest presenter Caroline Morahan pulls back the screen revealing the ravishing Thomas Heary, who walks off with the unlucky lady on his arm. The males present demand that Caroline choose one of them but she refuses. A fight breaks out with bar stools, crisp packets and raaafle tickets flying back and forth. Caroline makes her escape and hides in the souvenir shop located beside the office, safe in the knowledge that no one will think of looking there.
• Theologists, writers, historians and mathematical guru’s meet to find out what the hell the ‘Church of the Poisoned Minds’ article in The Star, featuring Sean Connor and Shiny Head Doolin, was about. Numerous heads are scratched, minds boggled and permutations calculated but in the end the boffins are forced to call NiallM out of retirement to try and wrangle some sense out of it. NiallM, happy in his retirement as Chief of the Sunderland Bandwagon, is reluctant to make another public appearance but gives in and historically posts his findings on the MB. He interprets the controversial article as nothing more than a piece of pre-season tat by journalist Mark McCadden who needed a few hundred extra words to justify his monthly expenses cheque.
• There is uproar on the MB, surprisingly, and everyone clambers to dissect NiallM’s findings. Challenging the challenges of his challenging findings, NiallM challenges any challengers to a keyboard fight. The following threads, posts and replies melt the keyboards of some fans.
• The Manic Street Preachers record an homage to Doolin and Connor, aptly titled ‘Church of the Poisoned Minds’.
• In honour of the return of NiallM to the masses, in a similar scenario to the return of Godzilla, Archbishop Len Brennan renames St Peter’s Church to the Church of the Blessed Poisoned Mind of the Incarnate Holy Sister of the Mysterious Mysteries and Followers of the Church of the Holy Saint Coca Cola of Pepsi St Peter’s.
• Hot on the heels of Gerry Adams and Enda Kenny, Pat Rabbitte records a greeting wishing “Bohemian Ladies Hockey team the very best for the future.”
• Tolka Park is thrown into turmoil as four mobile homes park on the pitch. When challenged, the occupants claim to be on holiday and are bemused as to why there is no sea to accompany the sand.
• Michael O’Leary announces that Ryanair are to schedule flights to the new Bohemian stadium in Harristown. Taking off from Dublin airport, from where you can see the new ground, the flight will leave you in Carlow and it’s up to you to make your way to Harristown. All flags are five euro and only one scarf per person is allowed. Each passenger will be weighed after a feed of Burdock’s and pints and will be charged accordingly should they exceed the individual weight allowance. All flights are 1 cent but with taxes, fuel charges, food charges, eroding of the seat charges and money for the air hostesses make-up, the final cost will come to 275 euro.
• Roy Keane sends Triggs over to scout Bohs
• Still repentant, Ollie Byrne reveals on Morning Ireland that it was he and his cronies who abandoned the Mary Celeste and it’s cargo of pure alcohol, thinking they were about to be raided.
• Tony Cousins confidently predicts he’ll be the next Dennis Wise. It’s enough to send Nick Leeson to the local casino.
• With the impending elections and health big on the agenda, Bohs open their doors to the overflow of patients in the Mater by offering Cat scans. For the princely sum of 150euro, patients can be referred to the boardroom where they lie on a table and the Dalymount Cat clambers over you. If he licks you, you’re fine.
• Owen Heary attends a civic reception that officially frees him from the ‘Pissy Pants’ tag
• In an in-depth interview, Vinny Arkins claims he was on the Lusitania.
• Joe McGrath appointed Fine Gael election manager much to the whoops and air-punching from Bertie Ahern.
• To show everyone that he’s a ‘mad bastard’, Enda Kenny pays for a bar of chocolate with an Italian euro! He receives a warm round of applause from his cronies and Joe McGrath hangs a daisychain around his neck.
• Roddy Collins announces the formation of the Democratic Chancers Party. In their inaugural election manifesto, he promises extra hospital beds, a clean slate as far as Richie Foran’s disciplinary record is concerned and an end to lunar eclipses. Jimmy Aggrey is angered as that’s how he makes his living these days.
• Dissenting voices in the Jodi accuse Glen Crowe of ‘Acting the Gareth’ by not straying too far form the centre circle in recent matches.
• Shelbourne offer solace to Leeds United. Speaking to Soccer AM, Dermot Keely tells Dennis Wise that he knows what it’s like to manage a team that thinks they should be bigger and who’s supporters refuse to accept the inevitable.
• Wary of the continuing water crisis, Bohs cancel their fixture against Galway. To prove that there is nothing wrong with the water, Tony Cousins drinks a glass straight from a stream.
• Tony Cousins is the first patient to have a Bohemian Cat scan.
• Hot on the heels of Gerry Adams, Enda Kenny and Pat Rabbitte, Michael McDowell wishes “Bohemian Rugby Club the very best for the future and good luck in the southern hemisphere tour.”
• Ahead of the Bohs-Pats games, which is scheduled to kick off at 11.30pm so as it can be broadcast live on ‘eircom League Weekly’, Brian Kerr puts himself forward for election as member of Roddy’s Chancers Party. Gareth Farrelly and Gavin Lambe Murphy complete the line-up.
•The country goes to the polls and as bins are scoured for lost votes and photocopies are overworked in an effort to make up the numbers, the first results are in, indicating an overwhelming support for the Confirmation Party, of which there are many.
• With all the final votes in, the country is amazed, baffles and pissed off as Roddy Collins’s Democratic Chancers Party win a majority. Speaking from a lofty position in Myo’s, Roddy proclaims that this will be a golden age of Irish society. Brian Kerr is announced as the Minister for Things That Aren’t Anybody’s Fault, Gareth Farrelly is Minister for Piss-Taking while Gavin Lambe-Murphy is Minister for Being a Nobody. A late recruit, the Shelbourne football team, head the poverty portfolio.
 

To be continued…
 

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