|
May 2006
May: named after the common Bohs chant, “Mayday” heard often when any
opposition player is in the vicinity of Des Byrne. Also associated with
Sean Cooney, Jimmy Aggrey and Colin Hawkins when he wasn’t trying to
impress Ollie.
• Following the non-event against Everton U-12’s, the Board are
delighted to announce a prestigious friendly with Celtic. Bar-stoolers
and genuine Oirish football supporters rejoice, citing it as ‘a great
day for Irish football.’
• Vinny Arkins hospitalised after Everton game due to shock at actually
having a shot goal-bound. Doctors said it was a minor miracle that the
header came back off the crossbar, otherwise the shock could have killed
him.
• Glen Crowe asks for urgent talks with Pat Fenlon regarding his
financial situation at the club. While appreciating being part-paid in
Bourbon Creams, he feels the cash in his brown paper envelope isn’t
enough to cover his Tayto crisps habit. Fenlon promises to look into it.
• Bohs head to Flancare Park confident of three points against a
Longford team that are really just muck this season. For a change, Shay
Kelly plays a blinder and keeps out shot after shot in the pre-match
kick about. Normal service resumes at kick off and, with the game
delicately poised at 0-0 after thirty seconds, Tony Grant rounds Kelly
and is clean through on an open goal. However he immediately changes
direction and heads for the corner flag, screaming for help. Ward throws
his hands over his head.
• With the game at 2-0 to Bohs and entering the final minute, Des Byrne
realises he hasn’t yet been carded and desperately lunges into Alan
Kirby. Kirby hits back. Byrne doesn’t know what to do and runs off and
hides.
• Bruce Wayne expresses an interest in buying Shelbourne FC
• Gareth Farrelly addresses the fans saying that, thanks to his huge
book of contacts, he is about to unveil three class new signings.
• Bohs hammer Monaghan 5-4 in the second round of the League Cup. In a
rare start, Vinny Arkins proves he still has what it takes as he runs
out onto the pitch without getting breathless. Tony Grant finds himself
at the corner flag and opens a shop.
• Speaking on eircom league weekly, Pat Scully says he is disappointed
by the choice of suit Paul Osam is wearing. Osam begins to reply but the
show runs out of time.
• Bohs fans flock to the Carlisle Grounds in their thousands to bid
farewell to much-loved scamp Pat Devlin as he recently announced he was
quitting Bray after a century of management to concentrate on the
Ireland B team. On the undercard is a fight between Devlin and Des
Byrne.
• It doesn’t take long for Devlin to explode in a rage when Ian Stokes
awards Bohs a penalty. He claims it’s because Devlin nabbed a parking
space he had his eye on before the game. Devlin turns green, ripping his
clothes and is last seen heading out to the Irish sea. The Isle of Man
is put on full alert. Bohs go 1-0 up.
• Stephen Ward, fresh from Azerbaijan, makes an appearance in the second
half in central defence. He feeds Tony Grant a fantastic through ball to
the six yard box but Grant hesitates. Two hours after the final whistle,
Grant is told he must leave the pitch, the game is over.
• Mark O’Neill-Cummins nominated for a Booker prize.
• Mark O’Brien is bemused when, ringing up the census office for a copy
of the form, he is informed that there is no record of him. When told
that Bohemian FC employs him, the irate civil servant replies that a
Mark O’Brien of Bohemian FC simply “doesn’t exist.” Fuming, he knocks on
the door to Gareth Farrelly’s suite next day. There is no reply even
though O’Brien can hear Farrelly singing inside. He knocks louder.
Farrelly answers, looks around, and blames an innocent Fiachra of
playing nik-naks on his door.
• Donald Trump expresses an interest in buying Shelbourne FC.
• At a secret meeting, Rovers Always Ultras agree that they’ve been out
of the news too long and plan a full-scale assault in the coming days.
Word leaks out and various Bohs casuals in numerous crèches begin to
mobilise. First they nap.
• Mad Tom is spotted in Dalymount for the first time in ages.
• Gary Howlett lets out a howl of despair in the jacks when he discovers
there’s no toilet paper. Section G rightly concerned.
• Jimmy O’Connor saves the day when he discovers a disbanded stash of
Mary-Lou McDonald flyers from some years back and slides them under the
door. Gary is relieved.
• When rumours that the Jodi Stand is up for sponsorship leak out, a
flurry of companies knocks on Dalymount’s door. Beating off stiff
competition from Stringfellows, Shell, Tesco, Bob’s and one of those
ethnic African shops, Felim O’Reilly is proud to announce his own
solicitors firm as the new sponsors. He promises it’s not a stitch up
and that no American tanks are rolling into Baghdad.
• Giovanni de Stefano expresses an interest in buying Cork Hibernians.
• In a hastily arranged press conference before the vital love fest
against Shelbourne, Gareth Farrelly unveils his new signings. The
legendary book of contacts is put on display in a glass case and
pilgrims are allowed touch the glass and pay homage. With the Members
Bar thronged and Charlie Bird at the ready, a huge fanfare erupts and
smoke descends. When it clears, spotlights single out the figures of
Paul Osam, Dean Dodds and the Arsenal squirrel. The expected round of
applause never materialises. Farrelly is chased out the door and down
Dalymount Lane.
• The long-awaited clash with Shelbourne finally takes place. Farrelly,
heavily bandaged and in a walking frame, has a full side to pick from,
except for Paul Osam who is doubtful.
• Ollie successfully lobbies for the kick-off to be delayed twenty
minutes so he can finish his dinner with referee Alan Kelly. Prior to
kick-off, FAI CEO John Delaney is given a guided tour of Dalymount and
claims sit will make a wonderful home for Shelbourne. He is reminded
that the ground share deal will not go through. He repeats that it will
make a lovely ground for Shelbourne.
• Kick off is delayed a further ten minutes following the discovery of
Dave Rogers going through wallets in the Bohs dressing room.
• Like last year, Bohs play the best football of their lives and destroy
Shelbourne in the first half. Tony Grant, selling burgers in the corner
now, is playing a blinder keeping Crowe and Hawkins distracted with Big
Al’s finest but manages to send in a superb cross, which is met by the
head of the Arsenal squirrel. 1-0.
• Vinny Arkins loses his marker, Dave Rogers, as there are cops
patrolling the ground, and manages to slot home Bohs second.
• Sitting in the stands, Ollie is sweating like a priest at an altar boy
meeting and is deleting Fenlon’s name from his mobile phonebook. He’s
heard muttering “No arse action for him tonight…”
• Bohs win 4-0 and Farrelly is raised shoulder high in celebration.
However he is accidentally dropped and is ruled out of action for a
further two months.
• Bono expresses an interest in buying Shelbourne FC, but The Edge isn’t
too keen on it, so that idea is shelved.
• Jimmy Aggrey makes a rare re-appearance back at Dalyer to change the
light bulbs in the floodlights.
• In preparation for their vital FAI Cup clash against Gentex, Farrelly
walks the team to Burdock’s to take part in the legendary Burdock’s
Challenge. Paul Osam is doubtful though.
• The Dalymount Cat gets out a restraining order on the Arsenal
Squirrel.
• Paul Doolin’s head is mistaken for a new planet.
• Alan Matthews gives an interesting discussion in FÁS on how to hang
onto your job.
• Roddy Collins buys a new suit.
• Bohs fans and real Oirish football supporters are scathing when Celtic
arrive for their friendly. Wayside Celtic, though, aren’t exactly the
team that was advertised. Speaking from a high horse, BOHEMIANKNOB says
that “Hanging’s too good for the likes of the Board; it’s a good kick up
the arse they need!!!!”
• Gay Byrne appointed Instigator of Friendlies for Bohemian FC.
• Giovanni de Stefano expresses an interest in buying Drumcondra. The
town, not the defunct club.
• Barry successfully sues Bohemian FC because he was ignored at half
time in the Dublin City game and didn’t get to take his peno. He buys a
new belt with the princely award of ten quid.
• Bohs crush Gentex 1-0 in their FAI Cup game. Farrelly fails to see the
connection between the sluggish performance and the Burdock’s Challenge.
In an inspired move, he switches Tony Grant to the other corner.
However, Grant is disturbed to find Fr Dougal looking after the corner
flag.
Back to Old Mad Tom's
Almanac >>>
|