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April 2007
Mad Tom has been
campaigning for a return to the traditional values of Easter, ie secret
lock-ins. However, he took time from his schedule of ranting to buy a
new comb and furnish us lucky people with his hopes and expectations for
the month ahead. We really are lucky people!
April: Named after those poxy showers and April O’Neill, Ninja Turtles
love interest. Also associated with fools and Easter. Like Easter, Tit
Monday usually falls in April, on different dates each year.
• Following the success of the first Bohemian balloon flight, a crafty
plot is hatched on the MB to tie some balloons to Jason McGuinness and
see what happens. The experiment proves to be a huge success and
McGuinness drifts effortlessly out to sea.
• Bohs nervously take the field against Shamrock Rovers, led onto the
pitch by a dancing Pat Scully. With their form not having being up to
much, many thousands in the Jodi have their heart in their mouth. The
game starts cautiously, both teams sussing each other out, before Barry
Ferguson leaps to head home his traditional derby goal. The Morlocks in
the Connaught Street Stand go apeshit, tearing seats from their supports
in unbelievable celebration. The BSC fix bayonets and prepare for a
cowardly bout of fisticuffs after the game but are send packing by the
old guy with the stick. Barry is again, officially a wanker. Calm is
restored. Sean Connor’s half-time team talk works wonders as Bohs
actually keep the ball on the ground for three straight passes. With
time ticking away, Owen Heary sends a deft lob up field, more in hope
than expectation. As the ball begins dipping into the grateful arms of
Barry Murphy, some stray balloons drift into the path of the ball,
changing it’s course and lifting it over the head of the agog Murphy.
After the game, Sean Connor does a lap of honour before break-dancing
off the field.
• Still reeling form the heroics of Tuesday night, Bohs line out against
Sligo much to Connor’s confusion. He stands evenly between the two
dugouts and celebrates when both teams score, which they don’t. It ends
0-0.
• Bohemian FC receive a 5,000 euro fine as a result of some Bohs Blitz
balloons landing in a back garden in Chorley, England. Il Duce Delaney
says that “Bohemians committed an abhorrent act, littering is not
tolerated in the FAI; I will do my best to ensure that many thousands
more Oirish soccer supporters will spend their hard earned cash watching
Manchester United, by way of compensation.”
• Gareth Farrelly is chosen to play the role of Sam in the Hollywood
blockbuster version of ‘Fireman Sam’ scheduled to be filmed in autumn.
He apparently won over the studio with his prowess at fighting fires
while at Bohemians.
• Mad Tom wanted to reveal an uncannily accurate prediction about the
second cousin of the cleaner in the FAI offices, but has to withhold
this piece of information in case theBohs.com receive a 5,000 euro fine
from the FAI.
• Derry City fine the FAI website 5,000 euro because it’s shite.
• John McDonnell appears in an ad for Lockets with his trademark raspy
tones.
• Oirish soccer fans gear up for the Ireland vs. USSR match plugged on
the FAI website.
• Having opted out of the Champions League, Shelbourne’s season gets
worse with the news that they will be relegated to the AUL the following
season. The FAI argue that making the decision now will lessen the shock
and stress when they finish bottom of Division One anyhow. On eircom
league weekly, Keely kicks furniture around and knocks Paul Osam’s head
off the table. It wakes him up and he continues to wax lyrical on
Gentex’s chances in the Harp Lager League of Ireland B Division..
• Mick Wallace selected for the role or Tarzan in the new, tear-jerking
Hollywood film.
• At the AGM, some Bohs fans project the membership card onto a large
screen and bring Sean Connor’s attention to the Spirit of 1890 text at
the bottom right hand corner, particularly the ‘…keep the ball on the
floor…’ line. In a scene echoing the ‘…these are small, but those are
far away…’ Father Ted clip, Connor is baffled as to the meaning of
keeping the ball on the ground. Seven members walk out in frustration,
one of whom clocks the nosy cleaner on the way out. The event is
endlessly debated on the message board the following day, for a change.
• Bohs make the journey, via army helicopter, to Inchicore for the clash
with surprise trend-setters St Patrick’s Athletic. The ball spends so
much time in the air, a no-fly zone is declared by air traffic control
at Dublin airport. Majestically clearing into the night sky, Heary’s
punt takes the ball out of the ground. A new ball is called for and on
the restart Crowe rounds the penalty spot and beats the keeper from one
yard. With two goals to his name, Bohs fans resurrect the “Crowe for
Ireland “ chant. It is picked up by Steve Staunton, currently filming an
episode of The Munsters, who proclaims that he will never pick eircom
league players, because he’s the gaffah. On a remote island somewhere
off the Galway coast, Gareth Farrelly puts down his paper and sighs,
remembering the days when he used to be the gaffer…
• Relishing in his good performances so far, Des Byrne goes on a lecture
tour of schools around the country telling children to be good for their
mammy’s, eat all their vegetables, get a good night’s sleep and always
throw the first punch.
• A football lands in a back garden in the Isle of Man killing the last
of the rare Manx cats. The event makes Sky News and CNN and there is
international uproar. The Isle of Man declare war on Dublin and the evil
infidel that is Owen Heary. The BSC line up on the North Wall to board
the Stena HSS but flee when it becomes apparent that the Manx like to
whip the shit out of any troublemakers.
• Niall Quinn promises to spend thousands of pounds cloning the Manx cat
if it means bloodshed will be averted. He is praised internationally and
fast tracked to become a saint.
• Sunderland host Wolves in another chapter of the Keane-McCarthy saga.
Both men embrace after the game and retire to a hotel room. Keane storms
out when McCarthy realises he’s forgotten his condoms. “Fail to prepare,
prepare to fail” he mutters. Sunderland lose the next game.
• John Delaney’s ‘rabbit caught in headlights’ trademark stare wins him
a part in the live action movie of Watership Down.
• Picking up on the fact that Wexford Youths aren’t exactly made up of
youths in the strictest sense of the word, Paul Hyland writes endless
columns of tripe putting down the league, saying how thousands of adults
and children are being ripped off and disappointed when as adult team
takes the field, having gone under the presumption of seeing a team of
youths.
• Roddy Collins hired by Dermot Keely to plaster his bathroom. Keely
insists he do the job while he’s on the pot, and only when he’s on the
pot.
• Bohs fans get a tad tetchy at the lack of information forthcoming on
the new stadium deal. Rumours abound from the mundane “they’re just
ironing out a few kinks” to the spectacular “the deal was actually a
pact with the devil and the stadium shall be given to Rovers and Shels.”
As the board are silent on the matter, a selection of fans appear on the
Late Late Show, with the devil and The Kinks, as Pat Kenny tries to get
to the bottom of the mystery in his usual affable manner. Debate rages
back and forth with the devil threatening to walk out on more than one
occasion. The usual GAA plant in the audience reckons that the new Bohs
stadium should be offered to them, as a sweetener for the GAA giving up
claim on Rovers new ground, should it ever be completed. This causes
uproar and chair throwing and Kenny quickly announces Dessie O’Halloran
as the next act. The fighting continues off camera and Dessie is lucky
not to be hit by an airborne Pat Kenny.
• The Kinks deny any involvement in the Dalymount stadium deal and don’t
understand what a spot of ironing has to do with them.
• Roddy Collins wants out of Dermot Keely’s bathroom, claiming there’s
no way in hell a man can be on the pot for five days without stop. He
does a damn good plastering job thought and seriously thinks about
jacking his singing career in. However, he is approached about
headlining Slane and reconsiders.
• At St Clabbart’s Retirement Home, Vinny Arkins is starting to bore the
nurses with tales of his football prowess in his younger days.
• Stephen O’Brien is selected to play Mini Me in the new Austin Powers
movie.
• Kevin Hunt found crying in the corner of the dressing room by Joxer.
When approached to see what’s wrong, Hunt announces that he is having a
bad hair day. Joxer backs away.
• “At least you have f***In’ hair!!” Thomas Heary whinges when word gets
around.
• Brian Murphy called up to the Ireland squad for the summer tour of the
US. He rings Staunton and tells him to get to f***.
• Bohs fans happily make the trip to Galway for the first league
encounter between the two sides in some years, the venues having been
switched at the last minute because Bohs fans lobbied vote-hungry
politicians to change the venue as they fancied a good piss up. However
the water is sampled aplenty and the whole game turns into a puke and
diarrhoea-fest. Neale Fenn manages to get into the six yard box while
Gary Rogers retches into his kitbag but collapses himself just on the
line with a fit of the scuts. Referee Alan Kelly is worried that he’ll
get his new boots messy and abandons the game.
• Brian Kerr spotted still whinging in Renards. “I tell yiz’” he spits,
“it wasn’t my fault.” He takes some comfort form the fact that England
are looking at him to be the new manager of the international team.
• A fitter and less-pale looking squad arrives in Derry to reacquaint
themselves with the master tactics and wizardry of Pat Fenlon who has
been having a turbulent time of late with his latest charges. There is
pre-match presentation as the citizens of Derry, in the spirit of the
peace process, welcome the protestant Dublin brethren with open arms.
Bohs present Ian Paisley with a signed jersey and a 2 disc DVD of Dr No
while Gerry Adams accepts a statuette of William of Orange. A more
confident, nappy-free Bohs take the game to the hosts who look jittery
as they look nervously to Fenlon for clues as to what to do. Crowe gets
on the score sheet again, as does Neale Fenn much to the delight of the
travelling army. However, delight turns to grief when the many thousands
of travelling fans miss their flight home. Gerry Conway steps out of the
mist and lines up a fleet of taxi’s to take the fans home, at his own
expense.
• Jason McGuinness sighted over the French Alps and continues in a
southward direction. He passes Del Boy, hang gliding since 1987.
To be continued…
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