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April 2006
Mad Tom has been a tad
late with this month's opus as the drunk tank didn't have e-mail or
internet facilities and there was a fantastic sale on grey anorak's in
Guiney's. But alas, he has finally come forth...
April - named in honour of those poxy April showers that whip the
semblance of spring from under you as you queue at the f***in' bus stop.
• While celebrating his penalty strike against Waterford, Gareth
Farrelly is approached by Alan Kelly who claims that the penalty
decision was only an 'April fool' joke. Farrelly nods to Barry. Barry
nods to Leo Burdock. Leo nods to the cute chick working behind the
counter who swaps Kelly's hair gel for chip fat grease. Cue howls of
despair after the game.
• While out celebrating his team's first league win, a tanked up Kevin
Hunt gets dressed up to the nines in Louis Copeland's and tries to steal
a bicycle from an unsuspecting bride. Awkward moment is captured on
camera and published in the Evening Herald on Wednesday, April 5th, in
the Left Field section.
• Hunt forced to publicly apologise to John Delaney for bringing the
league into disrepute.
• Bohs v Derry game delayed when the chartered private jet ("We can
afford it!" - the Board) lands at the wrong airport. Stephen Ward swears
he can see Nutsy leaping down from the cockpit window. Gary Howlett
curses. Everyone is very concerned. Game eventually kicks off the next
day. Bohs come from 1-0 down to draw 2-2.
• Despite Bohs fans pre-purchasing all the Brandywell's pitch side
advertising hoarding to display the words "Ward is a striker", Farrelly
starts him in goal. Ward makes two impressive saves from Barry Ferguson
back passes.
• Security is called to the Bohs dressing room when Gareth Farrelly
tries to prevent Mr Spock from entering the half time team talk. On
closer inspection the Gaffer discovers that it is in fact Stephen Kenny
trying to get in, for old times sake.
• Jason McGuinness nominated to play James Joyce in this years Bloomsday
festivities.
• A minutes silence is held prior to the St Patrick's Athletic game
because the bars are closed. For the first time, many Bohs fans see the
game through sober eyes and thoughts and wonder is every game as bad as
that.
• Jimmy O'Connor arrives at Dalymount one morning to find the locks to
the main entrance changed. Puzzled, he rings the bell and is answered by
Ollie Byrne in a bathrobe. Waking up some seven minutes later after
collapsing in shock, he discovers that overnight, Ollie and Nutsy have
moved in to Dalymount, in preparation for the ground-share that only
Shels think is definitely going ahead. He curses Jimmy O'Connor for
getting him out of the the shower. The Board is called and, on
inspection, they discover Nutsy making toast in Lynn's office while he
puts away the Hoover.
On further inspection, BohemianBob is appalled to find only one bed n
the Member's Bar......
• Extraordinary EGM called and member's vote overwhelmingly to kick out
Ollie and Nutsy. Short straws are chosen to see who will be unlucky
enough to have to wake them up as both headed for "an early
night".......
• Aidan Fitzmaurice is thrown, kicking and screaming, into the
'bedroom', all the time protesting the straws were rigged because of his
ground-share piece in the Herald.
• Seventeen Bohemian fans walk into the casualty department of the Mater
on hearing that Sean Cooney is still under contract.
• Dermot Keely brings his team that nobody wants to Dalymount. Kick off
is delayed for 45 minutes due to the Dublin City crowd.
There is, in fact, no Dublin City fans on their way to the ground to and
some Bohs fans have taken people in off the street to make up the
numbers. Bohs win comfortably 5-4.
• Thousands upon thousands of Dublin born and based Everton supporters
drag their barstools up Dalymount Lane for the big game. Dalymount is
packed to the rafters and in a hark back to 1985, some disgruntled Bohs
supporters have to watch the game from the roof of the Des Kelly Stand
because 'real' football supporters demand pristine seats in the Jodi.
Everton fans grumble about primitive football, poor tactics and hoofing
the ball up-field in hope, saying it was the last thing they expected
from Everton.
Bohs on the other hand take the piss out of the Scousers and add the
blue scalp of Everton to the Spurs one with a 1-0 win. Neutrals
impressed and say they'll be back. They won't though.
• Paul Osam falls asleep on eircom league weekly though Pat Scully
doesn't notice for 22 minutes as he's ranting on about his own self
importance.
• Even though they get hammered by Cork in the Setanta Cup semi-finals,
Shelbourne win a by to the final courtesy of the new, hastily arranged
at gun point rule regarding wearing of red shirts. It is no more than
Shelbourne deserve.
• In his disgust, Damien Richardson publishes six volumes illustrating
his lack of faith with the FAI. The books, "A collection of
idiosyncrasies of the much dispelled greater plane harmonium" bomb
despite a highly-publicised book signing in the Omni. Word leaks out
that no-one cold get past his introduction.
• Jason Byrne's bird sacked for dropping a burger on the floor then
selling it in the McDonald's she works.
• Shamrock Rovers continue to lead Division One but no one save for
their own disillusioned fans give a flying fuck.
• Roddy Collins gets a new job as manager of Louis Copeland's.
• Pete Mahon, kicking and spitting, leads UCD out onto Dalymount for the
league game. He comments that Farrelly is dong a good job "with my
players" and when asked to leave the past in the past, he refuses and
kicks up a fuss. Barry Ferguson nuts Mahon. UCD players promise to write
threatening thesis' in reply. Ferguson quakes in his boots. Bohs win
3-1.
• Louis Copeland relegated. Collins jumps ship and becomes MD of the
Port Tunnel.
• History is made as a Shelbourne game isn't broadcast live on either
Setanta, RTE on TG4.
• Bird flu hits Dalymount as six of those scantily clad young ones who
parade around Section G catch a bad dose of the sniffles thanks to
wearing micro mini's in gale force winds.
• Barry called up to Ireland squad for his penalty taking technique.
• Paddy in the supporters shop finally loses his rag with the kids that
hang around the counter week after week and buy nothing. He drop- kicks
them, individually, out the door. They say they'll be back "with a
tenner next week!!!"
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