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March 2007
Mad Tom has spent the last few days searching for the elusive Dalymount
Cat following his fleeting appearance against Aberdeen. However, prior
to his search, he delivered, via the wonders of astral travelling, his
thoughts and musings for the new month ahead.
March: Named after the founders of Bohemian FC, those good Protestant
people who regularly took part in a march up and down St Peter’s Road,
ducking to avoid stones been thrown by the Pisser Dignam.
• Enda Kenny raises the matter in the Dáil of the Bohemian Souvenir
Shop. Just when Bohs fans were beginning to attain access and actually
purchase an item, it vanished on the night of the Aberdeen match leaving
many children crying and homeless and many father’s dreading the rolling
pin when the wife asked for the latest training top. In reply, Paddy
Murray, live on Six-One news, proceeds to leave a set of clues for the
baffled viewer.
• Trinny and Susannah have to be revived when they see pictures of Sean
Connor’s jumpsuit.
• Recently appointed Shelbourne manager Dermot Keely wakes up in early
March screaming “Oh Jesus! What have I done?!?”
• Against all odds, Dermot Keely manages to assemble a squad for the new
season in the First Division. Included in this rag-tag squad of wannabes
and has-beens is five players from WFTA U-5’s, three Bohs babes on loan,
Lee King, Pisser Dignam himself, ageless Tony McCarthy, Brian
O’Driscoll, Jimmy Aggrey and George Hook. Alan Kelly agrees to extend
his three-year deal at Tolka. Leading the team out into an empty Tolka
Park, Jimmy Aggrey signs autographs for Dream Team fans before getting
the opening game against Kildare County underway. Ray D’Arcy’s
Thoroughbreds record a sensational 0-0 victory in a game when the
visitors were lining up to take shots.
• In the real footballing world, Bohemian’s take the field against
Drogheda for the opening game of the new season in Dalymount. For the
third year in succession, Old Shiny Head’s Dream Team square up against
Bohs in the opening game. The opening 80 minutes is a tight affair until
Stuart Byrne, still ranting after his outburst on national television
last November, finds himself on-one-one with Brian Murphy. Unused to
seeing an assured 'keeper between the posts, he panics and gets a
flashback to his final Shelbourne wage packet. The chance goes a-begging
and Bohs breathe a huge sigh of relief. It is nothing more than
Bohemians deserve. Any fluency in Bohemian play is interrupted by
Lurch’s insistence of booting the ball into the stand at every
opportunity, even when he’s not on the ball. A Glen Crowe penalty
opportunity is ruined when McGuinness runs up behind him and clears the
ball towards Jimmy O’Connor’s office. It is no more than Bohemians
deserve. The game finishes a dull 0-0 stalemate and Section G unveil a
‘Connor Out’ banner.
• Bohs TV is transmitted in HD.
• Following his salvo at Roddy Collins claiming that he wasn’t past it,
Dermot Keely receives some dog shite in the post.
• While working on the reconstruction of St Peter’s School, Polish
immigrants discover the body of Dudley Hussey in the first ever Bohs
jersey; a fine red with black stripes, woolly affair, complete with
shoulder throw (a la Sherlock Homles) a pipe and resplendent in a fine
top hat. His body is remarkably well-preserved and actually still
breathing, It turns out that the ‘corpse’ isn’t Dudley Hussey at all,
but an O’Neill sales rep who mysteriously went missing after arriving in
Dalymount with the new prototype jersey. The Roddy Collins Tribunal
finds that the unfortunate salesman was bundled into the school during
the Christmas holidays before the Diadora rep arrived.
• The push to increase membership of Bohemian FC reaches meltdown when a
Sean Connor jumpsuit is included free with each membership.
• Dotsy’s excellent ‘Season 2006 Review’ is nominated for the 2008
Oscars and Golden Globes, in the Tearjerking section. Peter O’Toole,
Kevin Spacey and Brenda Blethyn are set to star in a Hollywood version.
• Limerick 37 take on Britvic 55 in a charity match in aid of
Shelbourne.
• Sean Connor goes to Paris for a fashion show. His red jumpsuit is very
much the in-thing in the world of fashion.
• A spate of injuries means the FAI give Dermot Keely special
dispensation to loan some extra players. He kidnaps Sean Connor’s red
jumpsuit and threatens to burn it unless he receives some extra Bohs
players. With a glint of divilment in his eye, Connor dispatches Des
Byrne to Tolka as a secret weapon.
• Brian Murphy is set to reprise his role of George in an updated
version of George & Mildred. Angelina Jolie is set to play Mildred.
Lucky bastard.
• Roddy Collins receives anthrax through the post.
• Having dinner at Louis Copeland’s house, where he’s getting fitted for
the Spring range of jumpsuits, Sean Connor excuses himself to go to the
toilet. Bursting himself, Louis unveils a ‘Connor Out’ banner in an
effort to hurry him up.
• Bohs take the field against Bray Wanderers in their second game of the
season, with the memory of the disallowed goal still fresh in mind. To
avoid confusion, the posts are removed on a permanent basis, to be
replaced by jumpers. A throbbing game ensues in which Bohs score five
goals, but they’re chalked off. It is no more than Bohemian’s deserve. A
thrilling game ends 0-0. In the First Division, prior to their match
against Kilkenny City, Mad Maxi manages to gain entrance to Kilkenny
Castle and threatens to set himself alight unless Dundalk are promoted.
No-one cares. The Travelling Wilbury’s get lost on their way to their
match in Ballybofey, strangely togging out on Tory Island. It is no more
than Shelbourne deserve.
• Pat Fenlon is the Leprechaun of Honour at the St Patrick’s Day parade.
A later float, representing badly-injured sportsmen, is led by Gareth
Farrelly.
• Farrelly rules himself out of Cork’s remaining March games because of
a niggle.
• RTE’s Fergal Bowers, in conjunction with Prime Time, investigate the
nature of a sports ‘niggle’ and come up with the following medical
definition;
‘A niggle; (nigg-ell), a popular injury attained on the field of sport
by competitors who couldn’t be arsed; a non-existent injury thought up
by a lazy sportsperson. Personified by Mr Gareth Idle Farrelly,
• Dermot Keely’s tyres are slashed by a mysterious loudmouth. Dabbed on
the windscreen in paint is ‘Ur pazt it as a mnagir’.
• Despite being postponed, delayed, cancelled, nullified, scraped from
the fixtures and ignored, Bohs take the field against Rovers at 7.30am
on Monday 26th March. The long-awaited fixture is attended mainly by
prison officers knocking off their shift, a gaggle of nurses, staunch
Bohemian die-hards and a surprising lack of visiting fans who have to
break back into jail before they’re caught. The game is a yawn-fest,
Sean Connor, dressed in red pyjama’s and holding a pot of coffee yawn’s
instructions while Pat Scully dances around the Jodi Stand like a
deranged leprechaun. Even the Dalymount Cat is still snoozing. Trouble
does break out when the binmen are stopped and searched on their way to
collect the rubbish from Dalyer. They promise to come back in December
and demand more for their Christmas tip. It is no more than they
deserve. The game ends 0-0.
• Dermot Keely goes apeshit spending on Roddy Collins credit card.
• Paddy the Plasterer releases a statement claiming he is a far better
plasterer than Roddy will ever be.
• Having found their way back from Tory Island, Shels line out against
Kilkenny City who, for the seventeenth year in succession, are
rebuilding for the future. A tight contest ends in a boring 5-5 draw,
all goals coming in the last minute.
• Across the county border, Bohs take a 2-0 lead against Waaaaaterford
in a hotly contested game which sees Kevin Hunt’s hair ruffled by those
Waterford ruffians on more than one occasion. The game is stopped while
Connor recalls Des Byrne from his loan to Shels. About to step up and
take the winning penalty, he beams straight out of Buckley Park and into
the RSC. Hunt explains the situation to him and Des immediately extracts
revenge for Hunt. Jason McGuinness lines up the kit-bags, spare balls so
on and boots them into the stand. The game ends 0-0
• Roddy and Keely square up to each other in the boxing ring to settle
matters once and for all. On the undercard is Bernard Dunne vs. Alan
Reynolds Des Byrne vs. Alan Kelly.
To be continued…
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