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March 2006
Mad Tom has yet again
contacted me, this time from beyond the grave (seeing as how I was
strolling down Prospect Road and he was inside the cemetery) with his
latest ball-gazing...
March - named in honour of the O'Connell Street Non-March, where
glorious Orangemen, ably led by Pat Fenlon, were to walk, cheered and
praised, past various focal points of Irish history.
Blame for march not going ahead rests squarely with the Bohs fans...
• Production of the new Bohs kit is delayed as O'Neill's announce they
have run out of black. They ask the club would we mind if the new kit
was all-grey, or a curious shade of purple. Request denied. O'Neill's
take revenge by making the jerseys out of sandpaper. No-one notices the
difference.
• Bohs amazing pre-season friendly run continues with an impressive 2-1
win over Trinidad & Tobago. It is the first time Bohs play against two
teams in one day.
• Win over Trinidad & Tobago even more impressive because the opposition
never turned up: everyone agrees we did well to come back from 1-0 down.
• With negotiations continuing regarding the controversial ground-share
ploy with Shels, Bohemian members are informed at lunchtime, March 5th,
that they will be sharing their house with one individual from
Shelbourne, whether they like it or not. It is an experiment to test the
water for the soon-to-be-forced-down-our-throat ground share. Member's
shit themselves as they return home in case Pissy-Pants Heary is sitting
on their sofa.
• Spiderman returns home to see his dog cleaning up puddles of piss.
Yes, he is sharing with Heary.
• BTID nearly shit's himself when Boba Fett opens his hall door to him.
He discovers he sharing with Ollie the Hutt and has to pay 30 quid to
get into his own house. He also has to remain behind for 15 minutes
until Ollie leaves in the morning.
• Steve 'The Gaffah' Staunton's tenure in charge of Oireland kicks off
with an embarrassing 2-0 win over Sweden. Staunton's flowing, attacking
style of football slated by Irish Daily Mail columnist, Brian Kerr in
his "It wasn't my fault" column.
• With great fanfare, flag waving and half a column in the newspapers,
the 2006 eircom league season kicks off. Some amazing results follow in
series 1: Shels fail to turn up for Bray tie because it's too cold
outside. Tie awarded to Shels 3-0; Cork and Dublin City play out a 10-10
draw; Derry recover from an early goal deficit to draw 0-0; Sligo
dramatically beat Longford onto the pitch, but lose 3-2 and no-one cares
about Pat's or Waterford. Rovers beaten by Lambay Island in Division
One. Subsequent riots mean British troops invade Lambay in an effort to
quell the rioting. An uneasy standoff ensues.
• The FAI adjudge Cork and Dublin City's thrilling, battling, open and
fair 10-10 draw a "disgrace to Irish football" and punish both teams.
Cork are forced to sign Rico for another four years while Rovers replace
Dubln City in the Premier Division.
• Paul Hyland cites the punishment as being the "best decision for Irish
football. Rovers deserve their reinstatement"
• Paul Hyland lynched as he leaves Stringfellow's. Despite being found
with a red and black 'big flag' rammed up his hole, he claims he cannot
remember being abducted. The DPP is satisfied that he was abducted by
aliens.
• Thousands of Bohemian fans get lost on the way to Sligo for the league
encounter between the two teams. 389 eventually make it in time for the
second half, but 13,478 are never seen again.
• The missing 13,478 are seen again the next day, emerging from
Stringfellows. Gary Howlett grumbles in dismay. Section G are concerned.
• Permanently-injured Gareth 'Ironside' Farrelly gives Barry Ferguson
permission to batter his way, carte blanche, thru Cork City's midfield.
Bohs win 6-4.
• HariBoh shocks the world by announcing his enforced house-share with
Glen Crowe is something he actually cares about. He complains about
being eaten out of house and home. As do his neighbours.
• Bohs conclude their March programme with a convincing 2-0 win over
Waaaaaaaterford. Vinny Arkins does well to rise high off his zimmerframe
to head home both goals. Smashes cup of Horlicks in the process though.
• Rumours are rife that Superfan is to make a return on the MB, though
maybe with a different moniker. New poster, Superfan Niall, is closely
monitored, though the gypsies-web moderator says he just doesn't have
the time to read through his 1,000-word Kerouac-esqe ramblings
• Universal Pictures approach Bohemian's about using the pitch for a new
production of Lawrence of Arabia.
• Controversial house-share project with Shels ended after disgruntled
fans lay siege to Tolka Park. Alan loses his rag when Fred Davis insists
on waking him every morning with a smack, from the clipboard, across the
head. Prof Gartlan claims he's "disgusted" with Dean Delaney's grammar,
plus the fact he's a shit shot-stopper. He refuses to discuss his
success with Iona with him. Deco has had enough of feeding Bobby Ryan
lumps of sugar
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