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February 2007
He was in hibernation on the DART for the new year but our old friend,
Old Mad Tom, has returned, fresh from a visit to the oracle at Delphi,
with his visions for the seasons ahead in the eircom league...
He starts with February
February: named after the generic term for a lie; Fib. Over time the
original Latin word has become distorted, evolving into Feb, then Feby,
morphing into February. Most commonly associated with Shelbourne FC, the
Latin translation of the club’s name being “Field of Fibs”
• For the first time in a long time, fans of Bohemian FC are looking
forward to the new season with excitement. Gone is Ronseal Arkins, Oompa
Loompa O’Brien and more of the effortless cheque-collectors. In their
place Sean Connory has assembled an impressive line-up of talent and
exciting unknowns, mostly exciting unknowns. Bohs fans hail the return
of the messiah, Glen Crowe, by slaughtering the fatted calf and opening
the Burdock’s van especially for the festivities. Virgin’s are
sacrificed at the altar (ie the bar). On hearing the creaking sound of
the Burdock’s trailer opening, Pat Dolan arrives, by balloon, everyone
thinks, until closer inspection reveals it’s actually Dolan himself
floating across the city. Spotted mingling is Gareth Farrelly, who is
promptly battered and ejected by Chris Turner. Then battered again and
ejected, just to make sure he stays out. In a final word of warning to
stay away, he is brought back into Dalymount, beaten up and cast away on
Pat Dolan, whose moorings to the floodlights have been loosened.
• Connery holds a press conference outlining his plans for the season.
His main concern is to finish in the top three and secure a cup, be it
League, FAI, Tea or Shelbourne Memorial Cup. Speaking to the gathered
masses, he says he cannot believe how we “put up with that chancer” for
the last two years. He also wants to increase the age of the Bohs Babes
to a minimum of 20 years of age.
• Owen Heary, in a heart-rending interview with K.I.P., reveals the
truth behind the ‘pissy-pants’ tag.
“It was terrible,” he said, wiping tears from his eyes. “Ollie was so
power-hungry that all funds for the running of the club were diverted
into players wages and the transfer kitty. About a year ago, he locked
the toilets because the cost of maintaining them was too high, he was
giving out about the price of Toilet Duck. So the staff had to find
alternative places to piss. I choose my pants, Bobby Ryan a tree, Jason
Byrne McDonald’s, Steve Williams the Tolka, Alan Reynolds choose Kevin
Hunt while Ollie himself choose to piss on the rest of the league; John
Delaney used to hold his knob…”
• The infamous Dundalk fan lodges a complaint with the FAI and demands
action. He is directed to the homosexual wing of Mountjoy.
• Paul Hyland holds a press conference advising all Bohs fans to “tread
warily.”
He gets trodden on. Warily.
• Shelbourne’s woes continue to astound. It turns out that the Tolka
pitch was actually hay and that Fred Davis used to paint it green late
at night. The goal-posts, since repossessed, were cultivated from
ice-cream sticks.
• The auditors overseeing Shelbourne’s accounts jointly organise
appointments in Specsavers as they can’t believe their eyes at what
they’re seeing.
• Pat Fenlon begins making nuisance calls to Tolka Park, putting on
funny voices before calling the recipient a “bollox.”
• Dave Rogers rings up Finbarr Flood and cons him into believing he is
John Aldridge and that he wants to apply for the vacant manager’s job.
• Flood and Sean Connolly, who looked like deer caught in headlights
when they realised the enormity of the task ahead of them at Shels,
arrange to meet him in Abrakebabra.
• Connolly and Flood run crying from the fast food branch when Roddy
Collins walks in and laughs at them.
• A candle-lit vigil is held on Richmond Road for Shelbourne FC. The
Very Nice Candle Company get worried that they won’t be paid.
• For a laugh, Gerry and Gerry photocopy the cheque for 65million and
send it in a card to Finbarr Flood. A press conference is called and
Bertie turns up, with John Delaney, to shake hands and beam at this
“marvellous news.”
“Shelbourne are saved!” Flood roars as Bertie wipes away a tear from
Delaney’s goggle eyes. “I have in my hand, as a grand gesture of
goodwill from our good friends Bohemians…did I mention that they’re
fantastic?... a financial sum that will guarantee our survival. As a
mark of respect and as a way of saying ‘Thank You’, I will turn this
cheque over so everyone can see it’s the genuine item…OH BOLLOX!!!!!”
• John Aldridge rings Tolka Park pretending to be Dave Rogers, demanding
a new contract.
• Alan Moore appears on the Late Late Show, telling his “remarkable,
harrowing story” as Kenny puts it, of being the only player left at
Shelbourne. He says that training is a bore and very tedious and because
he couldn’t kick snow off a rope, he spends half the session hopping
over walls to retrieve the ball. He knocked up to Dalymount to ask a few
players to train with him but Lynn took the ball off him and set Chris
Turner on him.
• Marching bands, Red Arrow flyovers and a speech from Barry are the
pre-cursor to the friendly with Aberdeen, to a packed house of 145,001.
The game is an effortless display of style and guile. It ends 0-0.
• Alan Moore is alone at home, with a packet of crisps, yellow pack beer
and a football as the Setanta Cup kicks off.
• Portadown sue Shelbourne for failing to fulfil their opening fixture
of the Setanta Cup.
• The FAI sue Portadown for suing Shelbourne.
• Shelbourne sue for bankruptcy.
• The term Bankruptcy sues Shelbourne for bringing it’s good name into
disrepute.
• A Boy Named Sue sues the estate of Johnny Cash.
• Setanta sues Shelbourne for the retrieval of his camán.
• Fred Davis takes training but the kids have to be home by 5pm for
their homework.
• Fights break out in Dalymount Lane when the Top 3 Babes thread gets
out of control. No-one can agree whether Ann Doyle is worthy of the
status or not, though an agreement is reached regarding Blanch in
Coronation Street, the ultimate MILF.
• The Dalymount Cat applies for a licence to open a beauty salon,
Pampered Pussy, on the site of Tolka Park.
• The Dalymount Cat is approached with an offer to manage Shelbourne.
• News leaks out that Saddam Hussein was lining up a bid to buy out
Shelbourne.
Ah well…
• Noah is hired by the FAI to ensure that no more Shelbourne accounts
are destroyed by a flood. Or Mr Flood for that matter.
• Having recovered from serious surgery, Ollie Byrne is allowed to hear
of dealings about Shelbourne. He is ecstatic when Clipboard tells him
that they are second in the league, but freaks when he realises
Clipboard is talking about the under-8’s…
To be continued…
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