|
February 2006
While cadging 50c off me
for a cup of tea and telling me about the attractive new grey anorak
he's getting for the new season, Mad Tom passed on the first proper
instalment of his Almanac, having spent the previous evening looking
into his crystal balls...
February -
(named in honour of Felim, the gypsy God of Inactivity: in ancient
times, Dudley Hussey and fellow gypsies, law students and Bells
Academicals Cricketers used to sacrifice virgins on Bohshenge, later
known as Pisser Dignam's Field. As the eons passed, virgins became
harder to find so they had to cross the Fionn Ghlás river to search
further; No joy there)
• A riot breaks out following the AGM in the Regency Hotel when Gerry
Guffe (legal reasons) announces the possibility of ground-sharing with
Erin's Isle. Straining to make himself heard over ranting, raving and
chair throwing, he emphasises that this move will be in the best
interest of Bohemian FC and will further the new-found friendly spirit
between soccer and the GAA. A vote is taken, 1 for and 841 against. The
motion to ground-share is carried via casting vote, which is strangely
worth 841 votes. Jimmy O'Connor walks out in disgust.
Walks back in when he realises he left the keys of his hut in his
jacket.
• The Erin's Isle Bar is opened to huge aplomb with Roy Keane the master
of ceremonies. The opening receives huge media interest the following
day. However, the interest is more to do with Keane telling a bar man to
"stick your bar up your bollix!" Keane walks out and misses not only the
friendly against Linfield but the chance to lead the Orange Order parade
at half time. Barry steps in and does the club proud. Lads from Erin's
Isle are not impressed.
• A whale is spotted in the Tolka late one Friday night. Rescue patrols,
police helicopters and thousands of people descend on the bridge at
Fagan's only to be disappointed at first light when they realise that in
fact it isn't a whale in the river, but Ollie Byrne, who took a tumble
trying to scale the wall behind the Lego Stand after leaving his keys in
Fenlon's bedroom. Nonetheless, the Air Corps decide, for a laugh, to
winch the foaming nutter onto inflatables and sail him out to sea where
they release him.
• Kilkenny City sue Shamrock Rovers for pinching Pat Scully in the
throes of their great revival. Rovers fans descend on Kilkenny and sack
the city, emulating Cromwell by destroying another wing of the Castle.
Rovers fans ticked off and tut-tutted at by police, who deem the
incident as noting serious, just the japes of some ragamuffins. They
receive John Delaney's cheque by courier.
• Shelbourne players are given permission to kill the first-born child
of every household in Drumcondra. This harrowing incident is witnessed,
photographed and broadcast live on Sky News and CNN.
No action is brought, Ollie's cheque having, surprisingly, lodged
without bouncing.
• Bohs fan accidentally drop sweet wrapper on pavement. He is
subsequently arrested, beaten, shot and sentenced to life in Tallaght.
The clubs name is dragged through the mud. Paul Hyland fills pages of
drivel about how the name of Bohemian's is synonymous with trouble. All
Bohs fans are told to hang their head in shame and clean up the blood
spilled by Shels in Drumcondra. Bar-stoolers howl about how bad League
of Ireland is.
• Gareth Farrelly guests on Winning Streak. Wins 300,000 euro and buys
Vinny Arkins a new lease of life.
• Gary Howlett curses after spilling some tea. Section G is concerned.
• Stephen Kenny denies he looks anything like one of the Irish chaps
whose Trans-Atlantic rowing boat challenge was halted over Christmas by
a huge wave.
• Alan Reynolds features in a "Where are they now?" feature, penned for
the Herald by Paul Hyland. According to published article, he should be
plying his trade with Manchester United.
• No-one can understand why Stephen Kenny, who apparently didn't get on
with Ken Oman, brought him to Derry City. One insider said "Well, he
gets on with everyone up there, so maybe that's why."
• Jimmy Aggrey arrested for causing solar eclipse
• Roddy Collins takes over Late Late Show when Pat Kenny, who went to
Kilkenny the same time as the Rovers fans, still can't be found. His
guests include John Courtney, Richie Foran, Trevor Molloy, Sister Wendy
and Eamon Casey.
• Gary Howlett raises an eyebrow when the post is late. Section G very
concerned
• Peter Stringfellow announces he is to open a new branch as part of the
Tram Terrace developments. Despite massive hysteria, HariBoh doesn't
care...
Back to Old Mad Tom's Almanac >>>
|