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Men acquire a particular
quality by constantly acting a particular way...you become just by
performing just actions, temperate by performing temperate actions,
brave by performing brave actions.
~ Aristotle (384 BC - 322 BC)
The Programme
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Spit and Lacquer
The next item on the agenda is less of a macro-event but nonetheless
I want those responsible to know that out there somewhere is some
someone, me, who appreciates the little things too. And the little
thing I appreciate is the subtle little changes in the programme. Am
I the only one to notice the matt lacquer effects on the programme
print stock? I hope not. Otherwise the programme, grey new cover
aside, is pretty much as was, in other-words, pretty good. Ok, in
graphic design and typographic terms it is still a dogs-dinner and
you don't need to go any further than the cover for that to register
itself very forcefully; its face blighted by an epidemic of logos
and trademarks engaged in a very ugly brawl for our attention.
Inside beckons with some of the most dissonant, visually jarring and
plain horrific use of type since someone in Mainz a long time ago
had a pretty good idea. If only they could see the affront to common
decency and taste paraded in the Bohemian Programme in 2006 the
printing press might have remained forever an unrealised little
notion of Gutenberg's.
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The Slyly
Understated World of Stephen Burke
Aside from looking like it was put together by a design team of
Tracy Emin and Helen Keller, the Bohs programme has come on a lot
from a few seasons ago. Content-wise it is packed with delights for
the seasoned programme connoisseur. Where to begin, where to begin.
At the beginning I suppose. Stephen Burke's editorials are a treat
for fans of sly understatement and completely incongruous well
wishes. I will let the great man speak for himself:
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On Drogheda: "We congratulate Drogheda on their FAI Carlsberg Cup
win, especially our former stalwarts, Paul Doolin, Damian Lynch, and
Simon Webb".
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On Bohs Preseason: "Our pre-season preparations at the Bohemian
Football Club have been low key in some respects," (I should end the
quote here but the same morbid fixation that prompts us to pick at
scabs drives me to offer something for those who appreciate
grindingly dull soccer cliché) "but the vibes coming from the
dressing room are all positive ones".
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On training ground mannequins: "In a way we've also made a fifth
strong signing, in that Thomas Heary is back and rarin' to. Losing a
player like Thomas in the opening fixture last season was the sort
of luck you need to avoid in order to have a good year, so lets hope
the only injuries this year are to our brand new training
mannequins".
Well Stephen if Friday night's set pieces are anything to go by then
by my reckoning those mannequins are already on death row.
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Commercial Break
Jeff Moran chips in with his usual "Commercial & Sponsorship News"
bringing us all up to date on our new kit-sponsors, The new Phoenix
Bar and sundry sponsor & advertiser stroking. However, the segment on
the Phoenix Bar while according Denis and Fiachra all the credit,
completely fails to even mention the massive contribution of the
Dalymount Trust, without whom there would be no Phoenix Bar to talk
about. No explanation will satisfy me as to the absence of such
recognition, but if one is forthcoming, I hope it will be in the
form of copping a plea of forgetfulness. Otherwise the conspiracy
theorist in all of us will start to wonder if this complete
airbrushing of the Dalymount Trust, out of the picture, is
completely unrelated or not, to the Trust catching the board with
their pants down at the AGM. The club has never covered itself in
glory when it comes to acknowledging and appreciating the pro-bono
contributions of ordinary members and fans but this latest outrage
is an "oversight" of horrific dimensions.
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Content Rich
Thankfully the programme this year continues to feature the talents
of Aidan Fitzmaurice and Ned Simpson while programme stalwart Tony
Magner as ever entertains with his profiles and believe me when I
tell you, this week he has outdone himself with his Gareth Farrelly
exclusive. But before we get to that, and dear reader don't worry we
will, let me observe that the centrefold of this programme will make
it a collectors item. In full, over two pages, is a sight as rare as
hens teeth; a Bohemian striker celebrating a goal. Ok, its Stephen
Ward and the goal he is celebrating is one of his recent strikes for
the national U21 side, where, shockingly, he is allowed to play as a
striker.
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Programme Stalwart
If some of Stephen Burke's musings caused me to bridle with
cognitive dissonance Tony Magner got cracking early in his Gareth
Farrelly EXCLUSIVE. Paragraph 1 already had me reeling looking for
the Warfarin tablets and I present it to you unadorned in its naked
and raw form, exactly as it first greeted me on the night of the
match. Readers are warned the following paragraph contains opinion
and statements likely to shock and offend:
"It's hard to believe it but another season is upon us again and all
eyes will be on the Bohemian class of 2006 to see if they can
continue on an upward curve and emerge from this period of
transition as a force to be reckoned with again.
Message to Tony: What upward curve are you talking about, exactly?
And another thing, isn't it a bit insensitive of you to characterise
whatever it was Vinny Arkins was doing up north all those years, as
terrorism?
If you haven't bought the programme then shame on you, get it next
time, if you're still around, it is worth getting and after
suffering the horrors of another wretched performance by the team I
commend the programme as a superior entertainment. Ok, so this opening
edition has set the bar very high indeed but I for one am looking
forward to the next instalment with a lot more relish than I am for
my next exposure to the toxic miasma that is the Bohemian first
team.
Anyway, Tony titles his article: "Once More Into The Breach" which,
considering its subject, had me wondering whether that was a
reference to the new season or to the jukebox of canned cliché that
is Gareth Farrelly. You be the judge:
Gaffer in his own
words:
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On Pre-season: "Pre-season has gone very well and I am delighted by
the hunger the players have showed and the hard work they have been
putting in since we came back. The new lads have settled very well
and the squad are gelling together very nicely".
Gaffer is not one to get carried away though and he certainly
doesn't want anyone else to fall into that trap, so he inserts a
word or two of wisely caution: "We have done well alright but I
wouldn't be reading too much into those games obviously. There were
a lot of changes made in all of those games and its all about trying
to get all the players match fit, its about bonding and forging team
spirit and developing the squad. As I said, I am delighted with how
pre-season has gone and we're all raring to go. As a manager I want
us to be better than last year, simple as that, and I'm confident
that we will be".
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On Vinny Arkins his sprightly new striker: "Vinny too has seen and
done it all in his career and he has scored goals wherever he has
gone. He is very physical, good in the air and will be an invaluable
influence on the youngsters too. We needed strength in depth, now we
have it and we are delighted to get Vinny".
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On our youthlings: "They got a taste of the big-time very early in
their careers and are anxious to be just as involved this season.
That's the challenge that lies before them now, to push on and keep
things moving, keep striving to develop into the very best player
they can be. I have shown in the past I have no problem giving young
lads a chance. If they are good enough then they will be in the team
and I'm really looking forward to seeing how they will respond to
the challenge this term. As I said earlier, we're all really excited
about what's to come and we're raring to go".
Amen to that.
Tony's piece stretches on for three pages, (Tony, fuck the
begrudgers, I share your Joycean aversion to brevity) and is
literally chock-o-block with all our favourite terminology, it is
pregnant with "seasoned campaigners", "new lads", "close season
acquisitions" "positive influences in the dressing room", guys who
"know what it takes to be successful", players "hungering for
success", lads "getting blooded" (Is it just me, or is that vaguely
homoerotic) "cauldron of football". Really I could go on forever.
Although Gaffer seems to have given Tony a right good hosing down,
one hostage to fortune did slip through a crack in the wall of
cliché and it's a gem: "Bohs fans don't boo bad players". Really
Gaffer, is that what you really think?
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Terrace View
Comfortably Numb is the title of Ned Simpson's opener for the season
and it is required reading for any long suffering Bohemian
sympathiser. I won't quote from it because you should cough up and
buy a damn programme you miserable bollix.
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Organising Mascots
Is it me or could it be that the programme is attempting to set a
world record for the smallest photo in the history of the universe
ever. The subatomic section devoted to the Mascots contains a nano-icon
so small that its details are only discernible with the assistance
of a nuclear microscope. Under persistent magnification and aided by
the use "emergence algorithms" a pattern of pixilation emerges with
an uncanny resemblance to Mascot Organiser, Michael Ward. Michael,
Michael, Michael, Oh Michael, you deserve so much more.
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Player Sponsorship
Hidden away in the player sponsorship section is a highly unlikely
patron for Fergal Harkin: Maurice Farrell Electrical. Yes, it
actually is THAT Maurice Farrell. Maurice Farrell is remembered by
most of us as the former Bray Wanderers firebrand left-full. His
sponsorship of Fergal is a belated attempt at redemption for all the
years he spent kicking lumps out of our talented midfielder. Another
surprising bit of trivia is that Maurice started out a Bohemian Fan
and despite his blood curdling displays against us, never completely
lost his fondness for the bit o' red 'n' black. Apart from being an EL
defender of note (or infamy depending on your point of view),
Maurice is also a really fine electrician & a very honest man, so
the next time you need a quality sparks, reach for the programme and
give Maurice a buzz.
Continued on
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