Features: Dr Infallible

 

In a democracy dissent is an act of faith. Like medicine, the test of its value is not in its taste, but in its effects.
 
~ James W. Fulbright

 

The Diagnosis

Dr Infallible on the current health of Bohemian FC

 

Dalymount Park
Our beloved home venue this last century, is still concerning those of us concerned about trifles such as homelessness, insolvency and assorted other "bad stuff" and a number of questions remain without a definitive answer, or any answer definitive or not. Not the least of which is, what the hell is going on at the Tramway end. Is a new stand being built? Will it have corporate boxes and if so will they be any bigger than the average office aquarium? Is the pitch being shortened, if so by how much and why. Are the developers of the shopping centre going to carry out the building as agreed or have the club snaffled the cash (if yes, how much cash?) and instead undertaken to build it ourselves? Does "building it ourselves" mean doing nothing and allowing the planning to lapse (as has more or less happened at the car-park end) or is it the case that we are seriously going to undertake such a project? To any and all of the foregoing, why has this whole process been shadowed in ambiguity from start to finish? These are the questions and they have been coming to term over the winter. Expect contractions in the spring and delivery at the AGM just in time for certain "architects" of our current plight to announce that "they have had enough" and now "feel the time is right for fresh blood on the board".
On a much more proactive note the Dalymount Trust haven't been allowing any moss to grow and have been launching crafty money making initiatives all year long, the first fruits of which we will all be enjoying soon when the new "Long Bar" opens. These guys really deserve our appreciation. When it comes to raising money and awareness they have displayed the sheer bloody mindedness of Bob Geldof, the seductive tactics of Casanova, coupled with the promotional flair of Steve Jobs and got a result. They set a target (Gaffer might even be persuaded about the benefits of goal setting after this), went for it, got it and we all get a new bar. In "The Dalymount Trust" we trust.
 

Bars
The "Long Bar" is almost there and kudos to Dalymount Trust already out of the way, a big shout also goes out to Denis and Fiachra for managing this project. As is always the case when removing "beauty board" this job grew and grew along the way. Even if it did go slightly over-budget we now have an asset and a facility that will go on and on paying us back which makes it a hell of a better investment than most undertaken by the club.
Speaking of assets which payback on investment, there have, in recent years, been very few investments in human resources which have paid as big a dividend as Fiachra. And so it is very sad to learn that Fiachra is due to depart the club. Where to, we don't know, why so, who can truthfully tell, all we do know is that his days among us are numbered and we will all be the poorer as a result. Best of luck Fiachra.
 

Player Recruitment
Well, the man who put the "Global" into "Roaming", Gareth Farrelly is ushering in more changes for the new season. Among those gone, the feckless yet talented Ken Oman along with surprise hit James Keddy. Under the circumstances these could both prove to be losses. I certainly have mixed feeling about seeing them go. Keddy because he actually managed to outperform what many expected from him, while Ken leaves us all regretting that he only seldom fulfilled his undoubted potential while at the club.
Joining the Farrelly revolution is no-nonsense Barry Ferguson, lanky ex-Boh Jason McGuinness, bonsai ex-retiree Stephen "Digger" O'Brien and the ever youthful Vinny Arkins. For those nasty Farrelly critics who have been raising hackles over his performance since joining the club, Vinny arrived with fresh news, apparently Gaffer only took over mid way through last season. Let's hope Vinny's match preparation leaves less to be desired than his interview preparation lest he suffer the indignity of being kept out of the first 11 by club flop and perennial corner flag botherer, Tony "no goals" Grant. On the plus side "No-Goals" is on the last year of his contract so perhaps we might yet be treated to that not uncommon speciality of the Eircom League footballer, the famous (late contract) "return to form". This phenomena is usually encountered as contracts run down to the wire and often provokes message board campaigns to make sure we "manage" to keep player X, Y, or Z. Watch this space. Go "Boots" go!!!
One thing Vinny didn't enlighten anyone about in that interview was how often Gaffer has been to watch him play? Idle gossip, not that anyone should pay any attention to idle gossip, has it that Gaffer has attended fewer Irish League games than Vidal Sassoon. If that's true and Vinny has instead come on a "recommendation" let's hope it's not from the same "recommender" responsible for the majestic Cooney.
Happily we have managed to retain the services of Stephen Ward and Fergal Harkin and less happily a further one more years (minimum) "service" from treatment room ornament and, sometime, lounge bar hard man, Thomas "The Minder" Heary. While not as good at clearing his lines as clearing a bar, Thomas has definitely mastered survival skills vital to the serial slacker, namely knowing which side his bread is buttered on. Anyway, enough of that Guff and lets wish Thomas all the best for the coming season, at worst he will ensure we get a bit of value from Dr. Enzo Shipman and at best he might even manage a few games.
At the very mention of whom, Dr. Shipman that is, and with Pavlovian reliability a certain Mr. Cooney slips back into focus? What of the ginger limp? Is he still playing the mollusc and adhering to us, like a mussel to the hull of the Titanic, or is there another "Gaffer" out there somewhere (we don't care where) willing to sign an accident prone salary leech, sight unseen?


True Colours
Not content with shaping the team, Gaffer apparently intends to change it's colours too. If reports are to be believed Bohemians will be taking to the pitch next season in Gaffer approved outfit more resembling Rovers black kit than it does our traditional red and black stripes. If there are conspiracy theorists out there hell bent on nurturing the belief that we are morphing into the old Rovers simply because we are copying their kit, get a grip. There is absolutely no resemblance whatsoever. They were (still are) homeless and built up crippling debts paying the likes of Terry Palmer, Tony Grant and Vinny Arkins wads of cash they didn't have. See, no resemblance at all.
Back to the point, I do ramble, I know, sorry. What was the point, ahhh, yes, Kit Design, Gaffer, fiddling while Rome burns. Now that I have re-orientated myself, I suppose, in the interest of journalistic balance, I could propose another way of looking at things other than the knee-jerk: "why the fuck is anyone even allowing Gaffer any say in issues like club colours when he has not yet demonstrated competency as a Gaffer"? Another more positive way of looking at this is that Gaffer must be very confident about next season if he can afford to indulge his passion for sportswear design. Yet another theory, known as "little black dress theory" is that black is very slimming and hence the Gaffer hopes the change of kit will help disguise his rather "impressive" girth. As this is apparently not the first time Gaffer has intervened in matters of team attire, having made his design debut with our, now, famous three quarter length tracksuit bottoms, it leaves those Bohs fans of a more nervous disposition keeping their fingers crossed that the issue of team suits remains below the Gaffers radar for the rest of the season, at the very least.

 

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